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Chris Squared (chris_squared) wrote,
@ 2004-03-15 10:03:00
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    Current mood: pissed off
    Current music:Mario Twins by Group X

    yeah, so i get my story back today....D+...woulda been a C-, but the commentary brought me down. ill see if i can post my story up here....its like 13.5 pages, so it might not let me cause its so long....then ill put his commentary after it.
    If you read this and have any comments, complaints, or things i shoulda left out or added, just post a comment to this post. also, if i could, id put a poll, but i you think a story NEEDS a purpose other than 'i felt like writing it'? Im curious to know how many ppl (if any) agree with me.

    On an island far, far away, there lived a happy family. Kala and Keleko had been happily married for about 17 years and were extremely wealthy. They had a beautiful daughter named Kilikina. Kilikina was the most beautiful girl in all the land, and her mother and father loved her very much. Keleko was a stay-at-home-dad, allowing him to spend time with Kilikina. Kilikina was not very fond of her father, though, because he would frequently get drunk and he eventually turned into a raging alcoholic.
    Kala had a PhD in nerdology and worked for 1337 Industries as a certified nerd. 1337 Industries was the leading company in Linux development. Kala taught Kilikina everything she knew about being a nerd. When she was 8, Kilikina was extremely adept at working with Linux, hacking, programming, and building computers. One day, the building where Kala worked fell victim to a government conspiracy that was aimed at stopping the growth of Linux. You might ask: who was behind the conspiracy? The answer to that would of course be Microsoft. They had planted viruses in 1337's computer database, which overloaded the server, causing several hard drives to literally catch fire, which quickly spread through the basement. This fire weakened the infrastructure of the building and it collapsed.
    Kilikina asked that she keep her mother's ashes in a small urn that she kept on her dresser. Her father soon remarried to try and ease the pain. He married a woman named Kalapi, with two daughters -- Lukia and Ehiku. After the wedding, the kind, sweet, loving Kalapi turned into a mean, cold-hearted and demanding Kalapi. She could not touch Kilikina for fear that Keleko would leave her and take his fortune with him. Keleko quickly became whipped beyond all belief, but he spent most of his day at the bar trying to erase the sad memories of his dead wife. Unfortunately for him, the more he drank, the worse he felt. On many occasions, he would hook up with numerous prostitutes. Then, one day, after a day at the bar and a record-breaking $5200 bar tab, he fell into a coma that was caused by a combination of syphilis and alcohol poisoning. He died 2 days later. Now Kalapi could treat Kilikina anyway she saw fit. Kilikina was kicked out of her luxurious room and thrown in a dusty, dank basement, where she slept among the confetti-cut remains of confidential documents that her mother had run through the shredder while she was still alive.
    The governor of Waiûpa`a, Konala, who happened to be a trillionaire, had a son named Kilikopela, whose 21st birthday was in a week and a half. For the celebration, a giant luau was being planned and set up by Konala. Everyone on the island was invited and encouraged to come. Rumors were going around that Kilikopela was looking for a wife and was using the luau to find one. Like most rumors, this was not true. Kilikopela was single and loving it. He was the biggest nerd in all the land. Many called him the “Ubernerd” due to his encyclopedic knowledge of computers, Linux and other nerdy topics. With his father's massive income, he built a computer that puts all other computers to shame. Kilikopela had never had a girlfriend because he was always worrying that they would love him for his father's money instead of for who he was.
    As the luau drew nearer, Kilikina asked her step mother if she could go. Every time, Kalapi would say she could not go because she did not have a dress or money to get a dress. Finally, Friday, the day before the luau, Kalapi caved in and said that if she could update the kernel on their Linux box, pirate some games for her step sisters, crack the CIA and FBI databases to see if there were any conspiracies against her, buy the latest hardware for their computer, and research dress designs for the family before the luau, she could go. Kilikina finished her tasks well before the luau, but her step mother told her that she still could not go because she had no dress. Lukia and Ehiku started teasing her for not being able to go, and for being so poor and dirty. Kilikina burst into tears and ran to her room, where her mother's ashes were sitting on top of her secretly built computer. If Kalapi found this computer, she would be furious because she explicitly told her that she could NOT have a computer of her own. Kilikina got the parts for it one by one as she went shopping for the family's computer. She began to do the tedious, useless tasks that her stepmother told her to do. She found the designs for the dresses for her step family and gave them to Kalapi so she could take her daughters out shopping. Kilikina finished the rest of her tasks by sunset, when her step family returned. She cried herself to sleep that night because she was convinced that she could not go to the luau.
    Over in the governor’s mansion, Kilikopela was very distraught because he knew that his father would force him to be sociable with a bunch of women that he really doesn't want to meet, let alone spend time with. All he wanted to do was stay in his room playing on his computer, and maybe go shopping for some new gadgets. He went to bed dreading what would happen the next morning.
    Early Saturday morning, Kilikina woke up to find that her step family had already left for the luau. She got on her computer and started crying as she looked at the updates to All the sudden, three fairy godmothers flew out of the zip drive. They introduced themselves as Henoheno, KuuMomiMakama, and Emele.
    “What’s wrong, Kilikina?” They asked.
    Kilikina jumped because she did not know who was talking to her. When she saw the fairies, she was frightened, but they told her not to worry. She cried even harder as she explained how she wants to go to the luau, but her stepmother wouldn't let her because she had no dress, no money, and no ride. The fairies told Kilikina that they were there to give her the things she needed to go to the luau. She was amazed. Ever since her mother died, no one had been that nice to her.
    “What dress do you want to go to the luau?” asked KuuMomiMakama, “I will give you whatever you want.”
    Kilikina thought for a minute, and then told her that she wanted a black halter-top with flames up the sides and a black floor length skirt. KuuMomiMakama waved her wand, said a couple words in a language Kilikina did not understand, and from the monitor, in a flurry of 1’s and 0’s, the dress appeared. Then, Henoheno asked Kilikina what shoes she wanted to go to the luau in.
    Again, Kilikina thought for a minute and said, “I want strappy sandals with 2-inch heels and rubies and onyx encrusted in the straps.”
    The sandals appeared in front of her in the same fashion as the dress. Satisifed with her work, Henoheno smiled. Now it was Emele’s turn; she asked Kilikina what she would like to ride to the luau.
    Kilikina thought long and hard about this one. “I think i’m gonna go old school with this one” she said proudly, “I would like a horse-drawn carriage.”
    Emele was not as technologically adept as her comrades, so she stepped outside, grabbed a pineapple and turned it into a beautiful carriage. She then found a half dozen coconuts and turned them into horses. Thinking carefully, she flew to the zoo, stole two penguins and a walrus. The penguins were turned into footmen and the walrus into a plump, jolly driver. Kilikina went out, dressed in her new clothing, to see her carriage. When she saw it, her jaw dropped and she thanked the fairies profusely.
    “Now, about your curfew...” said the fairies, “You need to be home by 10pm otherwise you will go back to your tattered, beat-up clothing and your carriage will turn back into a pineapple.”
    “Awwww...How about 2am?” whined Kilikina.
    “How does 11 sound?” said the fairies.
    “1am” said Kilikina.
    “1:15 and thats final” said the fairies.
    “Sweetness!” exclaimed Kilikina, smiling from ear to ear.
    Kilikina jumped into her carriage and rode off to the luau before the fairies realized their mistake. When Kilikina got to the luau, as soon as she walked through the gate, all eyes were on her. The music stopped and every person turned and stared at the mysterious, beautiful woman. No one recognized Kilikina in her new clothes and they all talked about how beautiful she was. Kilikopela, looking up from his laptop saw the beauty and was entranced. He immediately walked over, kissed her hand and asked her to dance. She smiled shyly and accepted his invitation. They danced a sweet, beautiful waltz. A dozen songs later, they stopped dancing and Kilikopela took her behind the mansion onto the porch. He lit the tiki torches and they made sweet love for hours. By sweet love, I mean that they talked about anything and everything. Kilikopela was enchanted with Kilikina’s beauty and did not pay attention to what she was saying. He never even asked for her name. At one point in the conversation, Kilikina looked at the binary clock that was on the belltower of the mansion. It read 00.0001.001.0001 (1:11 for the non nerds in the area).
    Kilikina excused herself to the little nerdette’s room, but ran to her carriage instead. She got almost all the way home before 1:15, when her gorgeous dress evaporated into a 1’s and 0’s that floated off into the night sky, leaving tattered clothes in their place. The carriage began to turn back into a pineapple, so she bailed out and fell into a small patch of honeysuckles. Then the walrus and penguins waddled off into the night.
    Meanwhile, back at the luau, Kilikopela sat on the porch drumming his fingers on the table where not too long ago, he and Kilikina were talking. After about 20 minutes, he decided to go searching for his gorgeous new friend. He checked all the bathrooms in the mansion and asked several party guests if they saw her. One said that he saw Kilikina run out of the courtyard and get into her carriage. Kilikopela went into his underground computer room and checked the video feeds from his webcams that were stragecially placed throughout the property. From one, he saw Kilikina run to her carriage, jump in, and race off. He was determined to find out who she was, so he decided to have another luau on Sunday.
    Just then, Pizzini, Kilikopela’s best friend came in and said, “Yo, dude, you see that chick that showed up earlier. She was really beautiful! You should hook up with her, man.”
    “Thats what I’m trying to do, dude. First, I gotta figure out who she is” Kilikopela explained with a sigh. He then called his father, “Yo, dad, can we have another luau tomarrow? I met this girl today and I really want to see her again, but I don’t know who she is, so I’m thinking that maybe she’ll come back tomorrow if we have another luau.”
    “Sure, son. Plan it yourself, just charge everything on your creditcard, and keep the tab under $10 million.” replied Konala.
    “W00t! You’re the greatest!” Kilikopela squealed.
    Back at Kilikina’s house, she got ready for bed and busied herself at the computer, idly wasting time until her stepfamily came home. About an hour later, they returned, chattering about the luau. Lukia came in completely trashed, collapsed on the couch, vomitted on the carpet, then passed out. Kalapi and Ehiku kept talking about the mysterious girl who showed up and stole the governor’s son. Kilikina asked what happened to Lukia, then feigned interest in the girl, asking who she was, what she was like, and how everyone else reacted. Kalapi explained that Lukia had way too much alcohol, then went on to talk all about the luau and the girl that captivated everyone’s attention. She then told Kilikina to find new dresses for Ehiku and herself, because there would be another luau on Sunday. Lukia would not be going back after what happened. Kilikina excused herself, found new dresses, and went to bed dreaming about going back in the morning.
    Kilikina awoke in time to see her stepmother and stepsister leave for the luau. She went to her computer and started to cry, and just as the day before, the three fairies came out and greeted her. Again, they offered to help her.
    “Today, I would like a baby-blue miniskirt and a light-pink tubetop with white flowers. Then, I want light pink flip-flops with bamboo soles. And for transportation.....hmmm....I would like a hummer that can drive up walls and on ceilings, have the ability to cloak, a robot chauffer, and have a sound system loud enough to blow a man’s clothes off.” She said, then added, “Please.”
    Just as before, the dress and shoes materialized from a cloud of 1’s and 0’s and the hummer appeared in front of the house. The fairies reminded her to be back by the same time as yesterday, otherwise bad things happen. Kilikina ran outside, got into the hummer and rode off.
    “Darn it, I forgot about the curfew,” said Henoheno, smacking herself in the forehead.
    When Kilikina got to the luau, she did a little victory dance because the fairies did not change her curfew. Then, just as before, when she walked through the gate, all eyes were on her. Kilikopela, waiting anxiously for her, ran up and offered to get her a drink. She accepted, and he gave her a drink in a coconut. Then they went back to the patio out back and made sweet love again. Kilikopela was amazed at this girl's beauty. He had never seen anyone as beautiful as she was, and could not take his eyes off of her. This time he had the brains to ask her name. Kilikina just laughed and changed the subject. Again, Kilikopela asked her name, but like the previous time, she changed the subject. Kilikopela began to get angry. He started stomping and pounding on the table, demanding that she tell him her name. Kilikina, terrified, made up a name.
    "M-my n-n-name is Moke," she lied.
    "Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?!" Kilikopela demanded.
    Kilikina, now scared out of her mind about being alone with Kilikopela, looked for a way to escape. At first, she liked Kilikopela, but now, she doesn't want to be anywhere near him because he was spoiled, demanding, and had seroius anger issues. She tried to excuse herself to the bathroom, but Kilikopela stopped her.
    "STAY HERE!" he bellowed, "You're not getting away that easily!"
    Just then, the clock struck one A.M. Kilikina knew that if she didn't get out of there soon, he would see her real self, and did not want to stay and find out what he would do. Kilikopela grabbed her arm and drug her into the house, kicking and screaming. He took her to his father and demanded they get married immediately. Konala said that it was not possible because Kilikina did not want to get married to him. Kilikopela was thrown into a rage by his father's comment. He started stomping and screaming and throwing his arms into the air, insisting they get married. Konala called his wife, Koki, over to see what she thought of the idea.
    Koki, upon seeing her son's rage, was scared to know what would happen if they didn't do what her son said, because Kilikopela had a history of violent behavior when he didnt get what he wanted. She said it was a great idea and that she always wanted a daughter-in-law. Konala, who always agrees with his wife, also said that it was a good idea.
    Koki took Kilikina out to the luau while Kilikopela got out of his hawaiian shirt and shorts and put on something a little more fitting for a wedding. As soon as she got outside, Kilikina broke free from Koki and made a break for her hummer. Kilikopela came out, wearing a tuxedo, and seeing his wife-to-be running away, chased after her. When Kilikina got within a few feet of the gate, her dress exploded into a cloud of 1's and 0's, revealing old, worn out clothes. Almost everyone at the luau saw the scene and was amazed at what had happened, and even more amazed to find out that Kilikina was the beautiful woman that had captivated their attention. Now, her beautiful clothes were gone, and she was wearing clothes meant for a slave. Kilikopela, seeing what was left of the girl whose beauty he fell in love with, stopped running and just stared.
    Kilikina got up, brushed herself off, and looked around to see several hundred faces staring at her. She noticed her step family, who sat, wide eyed, staring in disbeleif of what they just witnessed. Kilikina burst into tears and ran off into the night. Kilikopela, screaming obscenities, ran to his room and replayed the video of what happened. He watched it over and over, not beleiving what he was seeing, wishing it was just a dream. Unfortunately for him, it was not a dream. He knew that he would never be happy without 'Moke', so he decided to end it all. Kilikopela went into his father's closet, found the gun that is hidden in there, walked outside and put it in his mouth.
    While Kilikina was running away from tha luau, she thought about what would happen to her if she returned home. She kept thinking that her step family would be angry with her for going to the luau after being told not to go and that the governor's son was more interested in her than in them. Then she started thinking about what she was going to do with her life. She had no money, her few possessions were at her house, and she had nowhere to go. The more she thought about, the more she thought about her mom. She really missed her and would do anything to see her again. That's when she got the idea to kill herself so that she would be with her mother.
    As she was running, she saw the lighthouse at the zoo. She ran up the steps to the top of the lighthouse. She got to the top and peered over the edge at the sharp rocks and the raging surf several hundred feet below. She stood on the ledge debating about whether or not this was a good idea. She stood there for about five minutes and finally decided to jump. She took a deep breath, fell forward, and waited to be reunited with her mother.

    heres my commentary thing:

    There are many versions of Cinderella. With each version comes a different purpose and a different audience. The purpose of my story was to say that being rich does not necessarily mean that you will be happy. My story is directed towards teenagers who like computers.
    I borrowed ideas from many of the stories that we read in class. The Fairy Godmothers were in almost all of the stories in one form or another-usually white birds. In my story, Kilikina's father is controlled by Kalapi. This part is based off of Perrault's story where right after the wedding, she "showed her ill-nature" (Perrault 528). Also part of Perrault's story that is mimicked in mine is when Cinderella starts crying when her step family goes to the ball, this is when the fairy godmother appears (Perrault 529). I also based my story off the Chinese Cinderella in that Cinderella's father dies in the beginning of the story.
    In almost all the stories, Cinderella goes to three parties. I only used two luaus because it showed how spoiled and impatient Kilikopela was. When he wants something he wants it now. I also chose to have Kilikopela be spoiled because it shows what money does to people. Kilikopela could buy whatever he wanted, when he wanted because his family was so rich. Unfortunately for him, he could not buy Kilikina, and when she tried to escape, he freaked out because that was not how it worked for him. From his point of view, she had no choice-he wanted her, and he would have her.
    Cinderella leaving a shoe has also been used in alot of versions of Cinderella. Instead, I had Kilikopela get her on tape with his hidden webcams. That way, he would always have a picture of her, making it alot easier to identify her than just a shoe, because not all Cinderella characters have magic, shape-shifting shoes (Lee 546).
    I did not end my story the same way the others did, especially the 'and they lived happily ever after' because it has been overused by so many stories, especially Disney stories (Disney 557). It also gave me a way to be creative. I could do whatever I wanted and not have to worry about making it work out so they lived happily ever after.

    This is what he said about it:

    CHRIS MO, imitation C- --> D+ (no note cards)
    Tale: C- Youve given a long, Hawaiian-ized, semi-computerized version with a jarringly different ending. But im left hanging if i see what the point of it all is beyond just messing around. i say semi-computerized because although you do make them both computer nerds and you do have the magic coming out of computers (the dress reverting to 1's and 0's being a nice touch), with eiother's nerdiness; it is just a label, not a real character trait in a plot. There certainly is no purpose either to have them grow out of their nerdiness nor to plot them into a nerd-is-wonderful realization. What you do instead is bring in out of the blue his angry streak and then, equally out of the blue, have them both commit suicide. Why? What in the hell for? Whats that supposed to mean? I warned you in conference that you had to have a purpose for the tale, but i cannot see a glimmer of one here. (tense shifts)
    Critique: C- You are OK on your borrowings from the variants, but you havent seen that your audience and your purpose are not connected. Your most damaging revelation is your last par. where you show how childishly you understand "creativity," which is not being able to "do whatever I wanted" but what the purpose of your story demands of you.
    Note cards: none-- and it shows

    yeah, so, take a look at the grades....C- and in the hell do you get a D+ out of 2 C-'s....maybe if he had given a grade for the notecards instead of just saying there arent any....but he doesnt....
    lemme answer some of his questions....
    after he whines about them commiting suicide, he asks Why?
    well, there is a simple answer for that one. I felt like it. I wanted them to commit suicide, so I made them commit suicide. Who cares WHY they commited suicide, the fact is, they did. Period.
    then he asks What in the hell for?
    see previous answer
    Whats that supposed to mean?
    It means they are now dead.
    its not a question, but he says that he cant see a purpose to my story...lemme comment on that for a second:
    the purpose of my story was to be creative and have fun. All i wanted to do was write a story that was fun to read. there is no fuckin meaning, no symbolism, no purpose other than I WANTED TO WRITE A DAMN STORY! that man needs to come to the 21st century...maybe when he was a kid (before the dinosaurs), stories were required to have a meaning and purpose, but now, I can do whatever the hell i want when i write a story. I liked the story, Chris said she liked the story, Mandy said that she liked the story, Plumley LOVED the story, everyone who has read it has liked it. were not old like kearney is. we can read stories and not care what the meaning or purpose is.
    then the dude has the balls to say that my understanding of 'creativity' is "childish". WTF? i think he said that it wasnt creative because he is old and doesnt understand things like computers and nerds. i also think he hates me, but thats a different story for a different time.

    i gotta get goin b4 im late
    hope you liked my story

    Chris Mo.

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