| Current mood: |  annoyed |
| Current music: | Paula Cole - Feeling Love |
I'm needy...
Bleah.
Yes, I'm needy. I want to be around my friends all the time, and when I'm not, it irritates me. So much so that my mood changes almost entirely.
And right now, I'm annoyed with the 2 people that I consider to be my closest friends. Or maybe I should say I'm annoyed at the fact that I'm not spending time with them. I'm mad at the fact that we don't share more similar interests.
And most of all, I'm angry at the fact that I am angry.
Why am I mad? I shouldn't be! I have no reason to be... All they did was go watch basketball without me, and only because I had other responsibilities. But on the other hand, they didn't even say goodbye to me or say where they were going. But it doesn't bother me... I'd like to think I'm beyond petty things like that. But then again, I'm mentioning it here, aren't I? Maybe the truth is that I simply want to believe that it doesn't bother me...
When I really think about it, the fact is that I feel they are my closest friends. But there's nothing to say that they feel the same way about me. I mean, maybe my gauge for how good a friend someone is differs from theirs, and granted, I'm pretty sure there are certain things I focus on that border on the inane. But then again, I somehow feel I'm not too far off the mark.
I guess I'm just angry coz I have no close friends. Sure, I have a lot of friends but no one so close, you know? And I'm someone who needs company and friendship. The funny thing is that I think my needy personality drives people away. That, and my paranoia. And the fact that the closer I get to someone, the worse that paranoia gets...
And to make matters worse, my mom won't let me drive! I got into an accident the other day, and it wasn't even my fault! Everyone saw that, even my mom. And her reason is that "she doesn't want anyone to hit me again". I mean, come on...
Yes, this may be pathetic. I may be whining. But heck, I like being tragic. It makes me feel that maybe I'm not the jerk. It makes me feel that maybe I'm the one that's OK and that everyone else is a bastard. Of course, that delusion never lasts long, and I'm left in my own hate and self-pity.
Thankfully, that phase never lasts really long either. And shucks, I really wanna change. I don't want to be paranoid and melodramatic and overly-sensitive. I wanna be a normal guy that is cool with his friends and not needy or desperate, coz then I'll be happier and not be a candidate for the poster boy for the manic-depressive.
Or maybe I just need some Prozac.
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