| Current mood: | indifferent |
| Current music: | seether - fine again |
I should stop dying. Then again, there's nothing anymore to stick around for.
Last night, standing in front of the fridge and drinking from the carton, I realized I am still a child. I have this child locked inside a nineteen year old body. I stopped there and stared for a moment, because it was so true. There I was, in my Monopoly jammies that said 'Go To Jail' on them, a Sesame Street towel wrapped around my hair. To top it off, I was planning to go snuggle up with my blankie and my teddy bear as soon as I was finished drinking. It's okay. I think that's how it's supposed to be.
I'm not as volatile as I used to be. Everything isn't as easy as I want it to be anymore. I can't figure out why I can't just park myself to one person, why I can't fall in love, why I can't be succesful. Honestly, sometimes I'm the biggest screw-up in the world. Everyone here has at least been in a relationship and why I can't succumb to one thing I don't know. I may or may not have commitment issues, but then again who doesn't. I'd like to think that I'm just more open about it. I have a blind tendency to push people away. It upsets me more than it should as I realize that I shut people out without even being aware of it. It's somewhat of an automatic reflex of the vestigial kind. I can't help it for some reason. It's almost as if I've lost the ability to open myself, to divulge my emotions, and to commit to the very concept of commitment. I'm not a cold person, I'd like to think that I'm anything but. Yet the notion of fully letting someone in seems foreign to me.
I've started planning for Nicole's birthday already. We're going to play hockey and even though I'm a weak thing I'm going to live up to be the big sister and beat her. Then we're going to go have hot dogs and ice cream in the park and yes you're jealous shut up.
This song is really good. You should all download like the illegal delinquents you are.
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