|Current mood:||Unhappy- whats new?|
Hey. eh. been a while. heh oh well.
had a conversation with issac earlier. Some kid, frind uh tanyas. Tellin me after 2 weeks of talking to me what he thinks of me. I...need attention, and will do anything to get it. Im annoying, and jelious and on top of every thing else, fake. So i guess this explains everything. I didnt have time to defend myself but what was i supposed to say? I dont like getting attention? I m never annoying, im not jelios? and im not fake? why cuz i dont know who i am. I live my life because i have no other choice. I tryed the whole fake suicide thing, wasnt going to happen. I tryed cutting every on off, i got to lonely, I dont have evrything i want, so therfor im jelious, and am i fake? Jesus. How the hell am i gunna be Fake? fake? i mean. If i have not set sterotype in the first place then how the fuck am i fake? Im not saying that im things that im not. Im not saying that i need every one to fee sorry for me. But ill be honest and say that im lonley, that i dont have anyone to talk too, that my moms preaches, my brother yells and my other brothers to dopped to be half attentive. My friends. They hear so much of it but i cant help it anymore its like my unhappiness is deathly hyper.
No one really gets it,which is ok i guess im not telling them to, but, The second im attentive and nice, and unselfish and personally happy. Somethings going to happen. Thats what happend the other month. then papa died. Thats wat happened 4 years, yes im complaining. Omg you wouldnt under stand. I wanna go home. I wanna be where i was always going to be, i want my dad to except me, to love me, to fuckin WANT me. But he doesnt. Im not even welcome to him anymore. My room. Is filled with day care. My moms perfectly built world class fucking house, is filled with kmart decoration. I have to walk down stairs every morning to...nothing. A house fila-a old decor which reminds me what? of just how good life is? no of how it used to be? yes. I have a roof to sleep under but why? is it becaus my mother feels she NEEDS to have me as a part of her plan in life or because...she feels bad my father wont.? Every possibal thing in this world that could happen happens. Not nessacary to me but to sumone, eventually. I know i have it good. But no one understands, this wall between it all. I went to church today. What if im wrong? What if my whole basis of this world is wrong.What if....I knew?
Thatd make me beautiful for sure.
Where do you find beauty? How do i become somthing im not, to be accepted, to be wanted to be loved? I dont I stay un-radient, and unhappy. And i stay
What do you think? have any recolection? heh leave a fuckin comment then