Thinking things over...
Fred and I finally talked things through yesterday. We 'parted', went our separate ways. I think she was pleased with it and it feels like maybe I've done the right thing, even though it feels like I've cut away a chunk of my life. I didn't dare tell her the real reason of what's been going on these last few months.
It started with Gwen, the psycho-electro bitch. I don't have the hots for her, though she is pretty fine, don't get me wrong. But... Well, if a life or death experience is anything to go by, I kinda don't want another.
That night, Fred cried. I left her. I left her to deal with everything all alone.
And the really sad thing? I did leave her.
Cordy told me once that I had a death-wish, that I was on a mission to self destruction and that she was going to help me. I thought I had all the help I needed in Fred once she came along. But... This whole thing with Gwen...
I'm not the kind of guy that believes in the after-life or... Something bigger or better. I'd like to. Just part of me believes that that's it, once you're gone, you're gone. No coming back, no nothing. It was like having a choice. In that however long I was gone, I saw two doors. Behind one, stood Fred - the other, was Alonna.
I didn't get the chance to pick, but thinking back on it - I don't KNOW which one I'd have picked. That's what makes this so damned hard. It should've been Fred I picked - she was everything in my life right then. She still is. And the fact that I didn't know hurt, so slamming down every wall I had was pretty damned easy. I told myself that I couldn't hurt her if I just didn't let her in, didn't tell her what had happened and I think I ended up losing her for good this time.
I paid a visit to George's girl, Lissa, the other day. I told Fred I'd gone away for a couple of days, instead, I ended up paying a visit to my old haunts, hanging out there, seeing why the mission didn't make as much sense as it did any more. It was bound to happen, with all the crap that's been tossed at us these past few months by the Powers That Screw You.
Lissa's great, she said, though she was probably lying. Living without George was tough on her, they were always together no matter if it was on patrol or what. We talked for hours. She said that George dying was the hardest thing she'd ever had to get past but she was. She was doing great. Maybe she's been taking lessons from someone I know - I've lost count of the amount of times I've heard the words "I'm fine" from Cordy or Fred...
It's hard saying that you don't know which you'd have picked. Your dead sister or the girl you loved. I still love Fred, but being with her right now is hard. Maybe it's better that we're friends and maybe we'll get back together, I don't know.
For now, I'm trying to be content with the fact that wanting to be with my sister doesn't mean I have a death-wish.