I was trying to go to sleep and got a sudden rush of depression. I'm angry and sad all at once and very tired and things aren't making sense in my messed-up head. I'm not one tenth as smart as I'd like to be but am doing nothing to change that. TV reruns make me sad. I dislike talk shows that are repeats -- I need TV to be live or else it seems phony and depressing. I don't like watching past shows that are passed off to seem like new. Not old enough to be some historical program and not new enough to be interesting. Hugs are supposed to feed the soul, but I can't remember the last time I hugged someone where it wasn't, "Oh, I guess I'm supposed to hug you now..." I'm pissed that I screwed around in high school and am not in college right now -- late-blooming pisses me off and makes me feel left behind. I don't want Bob Dylan to die. I want to stop time just for a little while so I can catch my breath and can catch up to everyone else. I want to make friends with a bartender and feel the wrinkles on his hand. I'm never going to see Gaudi's architecture, I'm never going to really hear what Moonlight Sonata means. Why watch movies at all? What purpose do they serve? You stare at something for two hours and then try and explain why you didn't waste a chunk of your life -- it's insightful, spiritual, entertaining, sexy, trashy, rebellious, blah blah blah. It doesn't mean anything to anybody. Everything is made out of plastic, people make sure their houses are nice and clean so they appear to be whatever it is they're supposed to be. We kill bugs in our house because they're disgusting. I want to own like 10 cats. I think Charles Bukowski said that the more cats you own the longer you live. Maybe they could create some kid -- or birth him in some weird environment, Truman Show-style, and never tell him that humans die. He'd have the greatest life ever. He'd have no concept of death. He'd never see someone else die and his life would be full. I wanna hug a drunk in a bar and then cut my wrist veins on some broken bottle.
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