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CB Droege (cbd) wrote,
@ 2004-03-03 16:21:00
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    Current mood: sad

    Personal Entry: Loser
    I think sometimes that I would like to be finished with learning lessons.

    I lost. I always lose. Everytime I learn something, but in exchange something of me is taken away. Another piece that could have fit in my puzzle is beyond retrieval.

    I was wrong, I fucked up. But sometimes no matter how much you want that to be understood, it's not. And sometimes, the more you try to make someone understand, the further away you push them. Is that my lesson this time? Is that what I'm supposed to learn from this? I guess so, but that lesson is contradictory with other lessons from the past.

    Here's the thing:

    I learned once that one should never give-up trying to understand, that one should always try their hardest to be understood, because without understanding, there is nothing between people. That lesson cost me a lot more than I would have been willing to pay, had I been asked. That lesson was not wrong. Neither is this one.

    All that I've really learned, then, is that each situation must be delt with differently...

    Well, I already knew that.

    What I need to know is: How am I supposed to see in advance which lesson to apply? I still don't know that, so was this lesson a waste?

    It seems that way.

    And what did this useless lesson cost me? Maybe happiness, maybe even love, but I know that it cost me a dear friend. and that cost is very high for me.

    I don't mind losing money for my lessons, and I don't mind sacrificing ideas, but losing people hurts me, just as it does everyone else.

    ...

    I'm really sorry, but it doesn't seem to matter.

    I fucked up, and now someone who may one day have become a greater part of my life, won't. That's clear to me now.

    I lose.

    Someday, I hope I'll be done learning these lessons. Or at least be done learning them at such great cost.



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