| Current mood: | depressed |
| Current music: | BNL |
All and Nothing at All
Soooooo. OK then.
I really don't feel like writing anything but I'll give it a shot and see how it goes.
I'm feeling a might down, as I said in my previous epic post. It's about nothing, really, and it's about everything. Silly, perhaps, but it feels quite true. I know that part of this is my damned body chemistry - maybe a good part of it. But circumstances also could be cheerier for sure.
I'm jittery, anxious, nervous, annoyed at the slightest trifling things, stressed, and my brain is racing about a gajillion miles per hour. ADD sucks. What is especially bothersome about it right now is that I can't even read anything at length. I can compensate for my distractability most of the time - I've learned how to over my decades on the planet (and for most of those years I didn't even know I had ADD). But right now it's really out of hand. I'm reading sentences five times in a row and they're still not sinking in. I love reading the newspaper every morning with my coffee. The last week or so I can't really do that. Scanning headlines is one thing and I can struggle through an article I may really be interested in, but it's mostly not worth it. So I pretty much skip to the funny pages, which is sad because most of the funnies aren't all that funny these days.
Weird. I used to laugh like crazy at "Hi and Lois" and "Hagar the Horrible" and "Snuffy Smith" and "Family Circus." Course, I was nine years old then. Now it's just rather...well, not funny. The stuff I really loved as an adult is gone now - "The Far Side," "Calvin and Hobbes," and "Bloom County." Sure, "Opus" is back once a week now, but it's really just a shadow of the greatness that Breathed used to do on a daily basis. These days I'm pretty much stuck with "Dilbert" and "Mother Goose and Grimm" and "Foxtrot." Oh, and "Non Sequitir." All the other stuff? Not so much.
But I digress, which really is the essence of ADD, yeah?
It may not help that I also quit smoking a week ago. I mean, yeah, it HELPS a great deal, but as far as the above symptoms it's probably not doing much to improve them. My mother and I both quit last Friday...went to a hypnotist and I actually liked it. Helped me a lot, even though I've quit twice before cold turkey. And that's pretty much what I've done this time - just with a little assist. It's been a year since my stepfather died of lung cancer and so I felt it was time to quit. Course, it was time to quit before I started, but hey... Last year was a rough one for Mom and so I know quitting was really impossible for her. But now...well, a year seemed like a good time. Thing is, she's been smoking since she was 14, which is...a long time ago. I've been smoking for maybe 10 or 11 years. (Subtract three when I quit twice during that time.) So she's really on a reduction plan for a bit, cutting down. Me, I'm done.
We aired out the house as best we could (it still reeks, though) and Febreezed the shit out of everything. Got rid of all the ashtrays, etc. Now she's smoking around 5 or 6 cigs a day, but isn't allowed to smoke in the house. She's relegated to the garage or outside. I also completely cleaned out my car and Febreezed that, too. Smells nice in there. The car was one of my big smoking connections so I had to take care of that.
All in all, it's been tough but I'm smoke free. The first few days are generally the hardest, though I've found it's the second week that's hardest of all in the past. Honestly, I was really weak on the third day and saw that Mom's smokes were in the garage so I went out for a cig and nearly gagged after two puffs. Absolutely disgusting. I broke it in half and tossed it. Then I brushed my teeth and gargled with Listerine to get that awful taste out of my mouth. So I know that I'm doing well from a quitting standpoint. It's just that I'm already anxious enough and the withdrawals (physical/mental/whatever) are just adding to it.
I'm broker than shit right now, thanks to overspending for Christmas last month. Though I do have about $70 in winnings in my online poker account. I started with $20 and have been getting quite a bit better the last several months. Now I guess I come out in the money 60% of the time. Still playing cheap stuff, though...nothing more expensive than $5 tournaments. I don't have the balls yet to enter anything like a $20 or $50 tourney. That's too much money in one shot.
I'm still not working and I'm really down about that. I mean, what the flip am I doing with my life? This depression sucks, yes, but millions of people are surely depressed yet working. Why can't I? I feel my entire life has been a waste...IS a waste. Living day to day isn't living...it's existing, and I'm tired of it. I can't seem to get motivated about much of anything and would rather stay home all the time and sleep. Checking the mail seems to be my only trip outside the last four or five days.
I'm on some new meds (one of them started just yesterday) so I'm hoping they do some good. Soon.
And I really, really want to read.
See? It's about everything. And nothing.
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