| Current mood: |  pessimistic |
infect me
Where's my Fatal Disease?
I have all these great plans for osom spilling out my mouthhole and no deadline. I need a Fatal Disease so that, for once, it becomes a, "We are making our Orphan Catalogue today," rather than some vague date in the future that will be wiped out by the eventual dying out of the orphan race resulting from a mass Eating.
There's all this stuff I want to do and it is just put off for some nonexistent opportune-rainy-day-with-perfect-conditions-for-everything-EVER and it's never going to happen. I may just as well have never thought of it in the first place, because perusing the internet and laughing and thinking don't make anything materialize to save for generations to come. The revelation is just Gone and Unhappened and it can't even be repickedup later because then it has already lost its osomness. For me.
What would I do if I knew I was going to die soon? (defying the myth of the immortality myth...) Would I even attempt to do the stuff that I really want to experience in my lifetime, or would I just lay in some hospital bed somewhere, waiting for the next day to come where Amazing happens, because of the inertia and momentum and damn comfortable hospital beds? I think I would. It's a revolting thought, but I could very well not complete anything that I desire in my life simply because today doesn't really count as a day to Do Stuff; it's not a piece of my life, but rather a repeated loop that will eventually lead to something else.
Although I don't even know if I could make a list of the things I want to accomplish. I mean, I want to have my fondue party and my VeggieTales moviefest and make my Orphan Catalogue with Sara and make a movie with The Camera and what else? When I was in middle school I went through a Good Person phase. (Don't worry, it was just a phase.) I thought, I was obsessed, with the idea of helping people...I envisioned a Mother Teresa-like lifestyle, mission trips, helping the poor, improving the world via individuals. I had lists, plans; I really believed that as soon as I reached that mystical age where I could Do Stuff, I would invite homeless vagabonds into my meagre apartment and feed them and clothe them at my own expense. It seems a little ridiculous now, and very distant, but I had a purpose. I was really quite passionate. But, predictably, nothing came of it. I couldn't escape the Loop of everyday monotony except to spare a few minutes to click some Save A Gangrene Baby With One Click! and Remove A Cancerous Breast With One Click! buttons and idealistically reviewing local volunteer opportunities for the day I started Doing Stuff. And it never happened.
Then that faded into a general desire for reforming and protesting stuff....but I'm still stuck in the Loop, and it's only worsened by that realization and my futility. I know that I could very well take a Greyhound bus to Washington, DC or Mexico (?!) or anywhere tomorrow morning, and then I really would be there and maybe Do Some Stuff. But really, I won't. I know I won't. And it's painful.
So I'll just sit here and wait until I somehow contract some AIDS or some Cancer or some Anacephaly or maybe just some generic brand-x Fatal Disease and am forced to Do Stuff.
Because until then, the Loop holds true.
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