you've given me a heart like a gun and I'm so shocked that I made it through these billion days.
I cannot stop listening to "When One Eight Becomes Two Zeroes". Hmm.
Mike and I fell asleep on the couch last night...I think I slept for about ten minutes before I had to get up. Oscar bladder things. Anyways...once I got up...I was up for a while. I just...didn't wanna lay back down and go to sleep. Mike looked so...well...not peaceful, but I didn't want to risk waking him up after such little time sleeping. I went upstairs and all of a sudden I had a mission. I went rummaging through this box that I've still yet to unpack. I just never really needed any of the unicorns and diaries and shit from when I was fifteen, but I couldn't leave them behind in my empty house when I moved in with Mike. I grabbed a few of the old diaries and went back down so I could read them and watch over Mike while he slept. I would have felt horrible if he'd woken up and I wasn't there.
I sat there reading about all this silly kid stuff...when you're younger...these little problems seem so big. "Oh my God, so-and-so didn't wave at me in the lunchroom." It was just nice to sit there and read about when things were simpler...then I got to the part about JC. There were no less than 15 pages, consecutively, about just whether he was going to ask me out. Christ. I don't think I ever loved that boy...but I think I wanted to. As I read further into our relationship, after he DID ask me out and we became "boyfriend and girlfriend" and everything...I grew up. I wrote something about how I'd been holding him at arms length because I was scared to let him too close and that just gave me chills all over. I'm realizing I've been keeping Mike at bay for a long time now. Not all the time...because we've had a few, albiet rare, moments where there's nothing but us and I'm not afraid of anything anymore. But those moments have been entirely too few and far between. I know deep down that I can trust him...it's just that I don't let myself even if I should be.
My therapist said that I needed to figure out why I couldn't let this all go...what it is that I'm afraid is going to happen if I really deep down forgive him and let him back in with no strings attached. What's gonna happen when I let it go? When she asked, I didn't know. There's about a million things I'm afraid of now. Carnies and freaky costumed people aside, I was scared of nothing before Jay. And after I let myself trust him, I was still unafraid. I loved just...taking risks...doing what I wanted because I wanted to. I was pretty fearless. In some ways I still am...but in other ways I'm the biggest fucking wimp ever. Asshole was the first guy to ever really betray my trust. I found out that he started seeing me before he ended things with this other girl. Broke her heart. He was essentially cheating on her. I'm pretty sure he did the same thing when he broke up with me. And I guess that's what I was afraid of. It made me sick that I was the girl to break another girl's heart. At least that's what I thought at the time. That it was my fault...but it wasn't. How was I to know? As time went on, after JC and I broke up...I realized...I never even knew...so how could I be to blame? I didn't make him break up with this other girl and start seeing only me. Now I can see the other half of it. I didn't make him break up with me so he could see another girl. That was his choice. It's not my fault that he chose to lie and break my trust. It really and truly wasn't my fault. But back then...I blamed myself. I thought I should have been listening to my instincts. I thought I should have kept him at arms length...I would've been safe...I never would've gotten hurt.
I'm so glad I kept journals and I'm glad I had this random urge to look back. It was so easy to see from everything I'd written that, basically, I got played. You're not the other woman you're just another...another hobby for a guy like me. But the more important thing I realized is that I DIDN'T bring this on myself. I busted my fucking ass for this guy...did everything...and it wasn't enough for him. I could never be enough...but that it isn't my fault. There were always other girls and as long as there were...no one girl could ever be enough. I can't even believe that in my head...I was comparing Mike to him. Mike and asshole are completely different people. Mike's so much more than Jay could have ever been. I love Mike...I really and truly do. Just...what happened with him...it hit a little too close to home. I drew comparisons with him and asshole...I thought I was gonna end up abandoned and lied to yet again and up went the walls that I didn't even know were there. I really...I didn't realize that's what I was doing. It isn't the same at all. AT ALL.
Even though all this is really personal...I'm not going to make it private. If anyone else can use what I've learned...more power to you...I hope you don't have to put your significant other through all the crap I've put Mike through.
Mike- I love you more than anything. I'm sorry for taking so long to come around...