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Saturday morning i grabbed my small orange heart-shaped tin canister that i keep my stash in. I packed a bowl and lit that shit up. Inhaling, exhaling. Inhaling. Exhaling. Everything was fine for a while. For about 20 minutes anyways. That's about the time that i felt my heart rate suddenly shoot up. This is the time i had to shut off my music and sit down. This is the time i had to try and slow down and concentrate on breathing and trying to calm myself down. I couldn't. Why was this happening? I felt hothothot - burning up. I grabbed my cellphone and opened my balcony door and sat on the step so i could feel the breeze softly come in and hit my back as i sat there to cool me off. I listened to the traffic noise and did breathing exersizes that are supposed to calm your nerves. It seemed to help a bit but not enough. I got back up and sat down on my couch and punched in 9-1- on my phone and stayed hunched over starring at those numbers, should i push that next 1? This has never happened before but i just decided to wait. I closed my phone and went back to the step by the door i just kept thinking, "It won't be long now, it won't be much longer. Soon." I was talking myself that this trip would either be over or that i would die soon. I forgot and didn't even think anything of the amount of tylenoel i had taken just the previous night and how it might contribute but i can't even be sure if it was the amount that i took. I really wanted to smoke again this morning but decided against it, just incase. So, i cut myself instead but the relief is just not enough anymore from cutting it seems. I get timid because i think of how fucking deep it was last time. Which do i prefer? Bleeding out or passing out from a drug-related problem and never waking up again? I'm fucking lovely, i know. I told Sonia what happened and she's the one that actually made me realize that it might have been the amount of tylenoel my body indgested earlier and that it's probably fucking with my kidneys. She suggested i lay off the greens and stop shoving powders up my nose and that it may have been laced. I disagree. And i actually know for a fact that it was not laced. I'm certain. This might sound dramatic but it's either that or dying. Well, in any way i realize the path is still an express way to death but you know what? I don't fucking care. I don't fucking care because i wrote a fucking letter. I expressed how i felt and what i thought should be done. I had a meeting with Elanora who referred me to my doctor. I had a meeting with my doctor who pretty much said i was just being a teenager and lazy and that this would pass. She then referred me back to my school - I didn't go back to them. I didn't smoke this morning like i said or at all today and i have been bouncing off the walls. I was down, really fucking down, down, then okay, content, happier, grand, mellow, downdowndowndown. Repeat and repeat. I'm currently going down. Down, down, down. I am waiting for tomorrow, for my mom to leave so i can have those extra 20 minutes to get high. Yes, i'm being a fucking idiot! Already thinking about it. It's just so much easier to do so then go through all this emotional crap. I'll just take it really slow tomorrow to see how my body re-acts is all and stop after a few tokes if i notice anything out of usual. It'll be a good while before i run out of weed though. I know before i thought i was done with drugs but apprently not. It wasn't even that i was "done" with them at that time it's just that things had really slowed down during that time compared to the year before but here we go! Buckle up ladies and gentlemen! Picked up much more and even harder. I'm so fucking pissed&bitter right now, it's unimaginable. Post a comment in response: |
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