| Current mood: |  awake |
| Current music: | silence |
blowing a stranger
the last time i wrote here i told greggie (can i call you greggie?) that i would light up a cigarette - finally - after five months of abstinence. and so i did. i thought it would be an orgasmic experience but it wasn't at all. holding the cigarette between my fingers, lighting it up, putting it between my lips, sucking the poison in - those were all familiar and welcome to me. it was like putting on skin that i had shed before.
but then when i dragged in the smoke into my system and i tasted it in my mouth - it was like meeting a stranger. it was such a jarring experience for someone who loves to smoke. serves me right for dropping it in the first place.
anyway i smoked about four more after that because i wanted to get it back - my love affair with nicotine.
but i didn't succeed. something's different. some of the magic is gone. now i can afford to go back to not smoking again. and it's so sad.
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