Sometimes, when something becomes part of your life.. at first you despise it, then it continues to happen and finally.. you just deal with it.. and live with it, but sometimes.. it just gets to be too much. Mine is disappointment. Today, disappointment caught up with me and kicked my ass for sure. This sucks. I don't feel like explaining it. I've been in a mood lately.. where things bother me and truly upset me.. but for some reason I can't explain myself.. I can't put into words the emotions I'm feeling.. so then people, that I guess care about me get upset because they want to know but I can't explain it. Then, I think.. do they really want to know because they care or do they just want to know to be up in everyone elses business? This is getting so bad that I can't even talk to the people that are suppose to be my best friends.. I can't talk to my boyfriend because most of my problems and issues are because of him. Not that he caused them directly but because they just are. So, he gets angry.. and he thinks there is something wrong and really there is but I play it off as if there isn't.
I told everyone for quite sometime.. I wasn't ready for a relationship. Yet, I am in one and I can't deal with it. I feel like I forgot how to handle a relationship. One thing I need in a relationship is someone I can talk to about anything and know it's going to stay between us. I don't have that with Justin. Justin lives in Danville, I live in Berwick. It's hard for us to see each other. Today is two weeks. I try, yet am unsuccessful. Justin doesn't even try. It makes me question whether he is serious about this or if he's with me because Dana pushed him into it. Dana is my best friend, who is dating his older brother. It's a complicated situation. She wants me to be happy but wants Justin to be happy and I think this is the wrong place for her to be. It's going to get ugly and end bad. I dont want to hurt anymore. Either does Justin. But I dont think we're right for each other right now. But, at the same time I really want to be with him. I like him, a lot. I really do. But, sometimes.. timing is everything and the timing on this isn't right.
God I just went on forever about nothing. It doesnt matter. Nobody reads this junk anyway. One question before I end this god-forsaken rant. Since when is your best friends significant other more important than your best friend? Someone.. if anyone, explain this to me. I know.. how relationships go. The other person is really really important.. but more important than your best friend? Am I being selfish? Am I being crazy? Am I even making any fucking sense? I dont think so. This is over.