|Current mood:|| crushed|
|Current music:||Colorblind, Counting Crows.|
In the event of a bombing...
ah. I do not really know what to say. im really confused. my mind is still all jumbled. i want so much, im so greedy and self centered. all i care about is if people think im pretty or beautiful. gosh. i wish i was. i dont want to be hot. i want to be beautiful. i want to be autumn leaves beautiful. sigh. i went on a walk, and i picked up some leaves i thought were pretty, and im going to press them and make bookmarks, probably write words on them in sharpie or something. im so crafty. im starting to get together my ideas of christmas presents for people, and my family. and the only ones ive really thought up and decided on is...a porn mag for kal. a cd for emily and a journal, a really pretty one. some tshirt for chelsea, fake eyelashes for ashley(maybe) and a copy of the perks of being a wallflower for nick, with an autumn leaves bookmark. my favorite book, for one of my favorite people. sigh. hopefully ill be off groundation soon enough, and i can see him. i want to hang out with him sooo bad, but he doesnt want to hang out with me. oh well. im sure he will get over it. im so afriad he'll think im fat and ugly. cause i am. that he will be like, ew get away. im so afriad ill just start crying, crying hard...cause thats what i do. hes just...beautiful. sigh. anyways, i called joseph yesterday. oh i miss him so much. i do love joesph, one of my best friends....things are good with him, next time there is a show at the juice bar we will probably go together, since he lives up in that neck of the woods. man, he was the best. he really was. sigh. man. i want so much. maybe if nick would tell me he loved me, more...like he use too... i might stop ranting. i do love him, i do. sigh, and all i do is rant about it. how useful is that? not very useful at all. not at all. if nick loved me, im sure i could concentrate more on things. im sure id feel better, but then at the same time..if he hurt me than itd hurt double as much. i wish nick would i dunno....sigh. i should really stop thinking about that star. <3. yeah, thats all i can really say,"<3". well, comment away. alex and christina. nick and emily...everyone. i heart you.
heart the beautiful heartbroken.
ahh...i dont even know what to say. i cant update yet...i know there is more, but i just dont know what it is. Chelsea if you read this, bring your digital camera tomorrow. and anyone...if you know how to post pictures, like from your computer can you tell me? thanks. well, blah...i hate this. all of this. obsession or whatever. i really need something. blah. i want to be a moviestar. i want to be a star. i want to be your star. gosh. im sucha an ugly loser. okay, im going to leave before i have no friends.
"And the Autumn Air is cold.
And the sun is shining on your face.
The wind blowing your hair away.
I see your smile, with a backround of autumn leaves.
I love you."
Shine on star.