|Current mood:|| sad|
|Current music:||hanging around, counting crows.|
And Ill start with a verse, then a bridge, write a chorus....
Agh. last night...last night was intense. i got to talk to nick!! for the first time in a while. it made me super excited. and i dunno...just its so lame, but when i saw his little im box pop up i was like....ahh, i mean the 'notification'. it was just..AHH! awesome. so.sigh. yes. sigh. well, he said that all the stuff kelsey said wasnt true at all and it made me happy. ah gosh. but he wouldnt say, i love you. and i just cried. because, thats how i function. i cry. i cry over nick. i cry over myself i hate it. it seems thats all i do. all i do is cry. every fucking night. cry. cry. cry. last night i seriously had one of the worst break downs since the end of the summer when nick lied to me. this break down was almost as bad. i just cried and cried. curled up in a ball in the corner and cried. i called emily, because i knew shed understand. emilys just...just...the best. she really is. i wish nick would have said, i love you. maybe then i wouldnt have cried? i bet he doesnt love me. sigh. even...even if he just lied. i would have felt better.
this all reminds me of that song by Atreyu, and that one line that goes: "what do i have to do, or who do i have to kill. To get what i want....what i need." When i talked to emily last night she said nick broke up with his girlfriend, and for the weirdest reason i wanted to cry more. Gosh. I dont even get myself anymore. i miss everything. everyone. life before this summer. life was so different. it still wasnt good. life was good around october of last year. thats the last time life was good. then there was zach, and all the scars and tears for him. Allie and Chelsea and Rob and Sam. Gosh, it was all so intense. Then Allie and Ben. Gosh, i cant believe i remember all of it. Then. Then. That week, were i stayed home the whole entire week, because i couldnt deal with life. Then the basketball tournemnet. Joseph, my best friend. My only friend. sigh. the juice bar, met cailin...who then i met megan, then juli, and then may. I was attached. Then Ashley, Ashley and i got super close...super fast. closer than i ever been with someone. we got suspended. got into the whole, 'scene'. ryland happened....carving started again.
THEN THE BEST THING HAPPENED THIS SUMMER i met nick. gosh. i did. he was so nice, and understanding and helpful and beautiful. He knew what to say to make everything better. and then that night when i was in pennslyvannia and shit was happening with everyone, he said, 'i love you katie'. it just made my life so much better. gosh. then julie happened, and julie and nick happened. and somewhere in between there nick lied to me and told me he liked me too. which wasnt true. then life hit rock bottom, and things havent really been the same since. there hasnt gone a week where i havent cried over him, or something. a day where i havent thought about him once. a cigarette i havent smoked because of him. nothing. what do i do? i gave nick the think to my journal. i wonder if he read it? maybe he wont talk to me anymore? maybe..i dunno. i wonder if he even cares? does love me? something...im such a burden to everyone. but i do have people. emily. anissa. chelsea. ash(not ashley). keria. melanie. rita. kirsten. effie. joseph. zach(not that zach). lindsey. owen. george. etc....i still have people...
......but its just not the same when the one person you want to be there...just isnt. ya know?
gosh. im such a creep. i love nick, sigh i really do. i dont even know what to say. what do i have to do so he knows? do i have to fuckin die?!? gosh. ive never felt so strongly before, this is new and scary. and i dont even love him...'romanticly'. or whatever. i just love him, as in love in general. gawwwd. everything i feel for him can be sumed up in a few songs-
"All Hail the Heartbreaker" by, The Spill Canvas
"Asleep" by, The Smiths
"What we hate, we make" by, The Rocket Summer
maybe if you read the lyrics, you will understand. Gosh, maybe you already understand? but how could you? no one can fully understand. meh. so confusing. i want life to be good. i want nick to honestly tell me he loves me. I want to get him off my mind. I want to get high. i want an escape of something. cutting? drugs? meh..escapes? yes. well, i do not know what else to say. but that. so comment? please? if you read this? and you CAN sign it anonymous.
"I'm ready for my close up. I'm a big movie star now. I'm just let me wipe the tears of my face, and re-do my mascara."
"i love him?", She asked.
"Yes, you love him.", simply was the response.
................i love autumn leaves