PROGRESS GONE TO SHIT
well i thoughy iwas doing well but i am thinking ot so much anymore. i am so drunk right now! fuck, i am so plasrtered... dont think ib should even be posting but this is as good a time as any. was out with my fgirend lisa tonight- go figure that is the bitches name too.... back on topic- my confidence just took a total shhot tonight and i fell pretty bad. i reaslize that no mater who the guy is right now i compare him to my ex and no one will be good enough. i knwnthis feeling is normal but i feel so horrid. i was talking to a totally hot guy that works day shift at my company and i justvwanted to pounce on him, BUT i thought it may be good to let im come to me... fuck- he was so into me i thought- we spent three hoursa just hooting the shit and chatting and then nothing! i am so discouraged! i really wanted this guy... he is 23, hoty and just ugh! cant explain it. i thought we had a good groove going on but i guesss not. maybe he was sidetrackedf himself cause every few minms i would go out on the balcony to ake sure that my friend that is married is not doing anything she would regret with some guy thsat was into her too. god i wisj i was her in so many ways.. she is sompretty and carefree... she would never cheat but i was just acting a a gaurd in case he wanted to do shit.... that is how i an with my friends. so by the time i grew the balls to try and get this guys number is the same time he disappeared somewhere and lisa wanted to go hokme. i feel so defeated! i wish he would have taken the plunge instaed of me having to and then missing my chance. and i know it was ot cause he had a gf cause i asked him that at the begining of the night. obviously i cannot read me and i need to have more confidence in myself.
the bar was great tonight except for the end when we had to carry tanya out of there by force, she was all over very guy in the joint nad was going to getvthe shit kicked out of her cause she was even going up and kissing gys whon were with thweir women. strange and annoying?> oh yeah! i was so ready to just leave her there and let thw police deal with her i was so pissed. anyways... wehen i come to in the afternoon i suspect i will post more. right now i feel so much like callig my ex up and talking shit over with him.... but i wont... i refuse to let myself do that but i was about ot start regressing at the bar. fuck... i just feel likeni w ant to kill him and want him back at the same time. i am so upset with my feeling for setting me back to this.... i wish i was stronger
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