Brittany (britty_murphy_) wrote, @ 2003-06-17 17:59:00

Last night was.. well, it was probably one of the most difficult days of my life. I was afraid Ashton would call, but he eventually did in the evening. There was a lot of quiet pauses, but.. he already knew. He kept asking who it was, if it wasn't him.. and then he hung up on me. I felt awful. Even with everything that happened between us, I felt so.. so bad. But I couldn't lie to him about it. It's not as if I did any of this on purpose...

Later, I spoke to James.. ::clears her throat a little:: That.. wow. I don't even know what to say about that. But I didn't cry. I almost did, several times, but I stopped myself. And I just.. said what I needed to, as much as I could. It was.. something. I don't even know. I kept getting that feeling inside me like my stomach was about to escape through my mouth. I could hardly look at him without wanting to faint right there. It was.. just.. strange. It was certainly not something I thought I'd have to live through, to say the least..

So.. I couldn't sleep at all last night. My emotions were too crazy. I tried to watch Moulin Rouge, but it made me cry, so I had to turn it off. Tried watching the Lion King, but that made me cry too. Tried listening to music, but (gasp) it made me cry. So I played Solitaire all night long.

As for today.. I went to my appointment at 3:00, once again by myself. The doctor did an ultrasound and said that.. the baby was the typical size of a 17 week old fetus. The new due date is calculated to be sometime around November 16, which is.. three weeks earlier than the original due date, I think..



So yeah.. that's.. it. I was amazed that it actually looked.. like a baby.. since last time it really didn't look much like anything. It just.. blew me away. And I cried. Again. I didn't cry for sadness this time, just in awe..

And now. I don't know. I don't know what to think of this situation, and I don't know what to do about it. But.. I'm not.. afraid. Slightly anxious, and unsure, but not afraid..

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