DisorientedJellyfish (briansue) wrote, @ 2005-08-13 01:43:00

sometimes i contemplate making a 2nd lj. but i'm parinoid. and i'm saving my moleskin for college. so hi blurty. i think i should delete you but i'll wait for college.

i'm blank lately. thrilled for school. but i feel guilty about feeling so little sadness about leaving. but fuck, i'm ready for college. i already have some really close friends. it's going to be good.

i also feel guilty because my mom still isn't completely better. i'm kind of freaking out because i'm probably going to get cancer someday. my mom has it. her mom did. we don't know farther back because of the holocaust... shtetels were destroyed and my grandparents lost a lot of papers and things in china. but two straight generations, according to the doctors, is a pretty bad sign. so there's that to look forward to.

i'm sick of falling for the wrong people. in my life i've been involved with 3 people. or at least tried. sam lived half an hour away. but that was when we saw each other once a week and neither could drive. so it was like hours. then, during nfty i had 4 hours. with warren which also fucking sucked. now i'm free and adult and it's on the other fucking side of the country. but it's things like this that make me glad that i feel so little regret about just ignoring how i feel. two more weeks and i'll be surrounded with accesable hookups. and i'll be brilliantly distracted. hooray. i guess the lack of jews in mta made me ignore the population. in my mind i have nothing wrong with nonjewish boys. but let's face it. in real life they just make more sense. and lorrrrrd i love a mysterious jewish boy.

i'm really turning pessimistic. and i don't like it. i find snarkyness and cynicism attractive in other people... in myself, not so much. i'll work on it.

no. i won't. but summer brings it out. it'll melt away soon enough.

not even going to spellcheck. sorry, self, if you reread this. actually not. if you do, just delete the journal, ok? ok.

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