DisorientedJellyfish (briansue) wrote, @ 2005-07-02 01:31:00

update number 2 since the lj began. what is the world coming to?

dear hormones, FUCK OFF! love, deena.

my entire body is nearly incapeable of life. i am achey and crampy yet hormones are alive and well. is this what being pregnant is like? 9 months of PMS?

i hate that i still miss warren. and think about him. i'm hoping it's the imbalence that female life has blessed me with because it'll be a long summer otherwise. but i was looking through my pictures for college and i found this one with this face he makes. head leaning forward a little. eyes looking right in the camera. tiny kind of deep smile. it looks like he's biting his tounge. i forget where it was... it might have been an interview but some super model... or maybe julia roberts... i forget... anyway she said she does her sexy smile pushing her tounge between the back of her teeth. that's what this smile makes me think of. it kills me.

i keep thinking of all of these nfty memories and memories of him. and i DON'T want to go back to high school... but i can't even put it into these words. life was so fucking beautiful in nfty. not perfect. i stopped calling it that ages ago. but it just worked. it makes my heart ache that i won't get to see hannah kicking ass as president. and that i'll never hear moishe again. or debate with joel. or be pissed off that warren's eating ribs. or wear my bra outside of my shirt and play 10 fingers like it's totally normal. or any of that. my list of what makes me cry could fill a book. i don't know what it was that nfty did to me or gave me but it changed my life. in the most mundane ways. but huge at the same time.

one thing i miss was the physical contact of nfty. i love being able to hug or kiss or cuddle with or lean on anyone. within seconds of meeting them. i don't know where i'm going with all of this.

i hate hormones. that is a good wrapup. lord this entry is shit. luckily nobody will read this and i will never reread it.

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