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things are changing so fast and so slowly all at the same time. i'm graduated. and excited for college and the real world. and it's ready for me. i got my braces off. for once in my life i sometimes feel pretty. i am starting to feel right with myself. more than i ever did before. except i'm growing farther and farther away from two of my best friends and i hate it. i grew a lot this year. branched out. was more open to making friends outside of nfty...aka at home. and it treated me well. i have a wider circle of really diverse and fantastic friends... but i feel like in some ways it's hurt me. i'm afraid that when we're in three different states it will be the two of them keeping in touch and me once in a while. i know they are closer with each other than with me. i brought that upon myself this year. but it still hurts that we lost some of whatever we used to have. i feel myself about to cry and i hate crying so i'm done with this paragraph. this year i really think i was depressed. i think i still am. i cry for no reason, i pick fights with my mother and just feel like complete shit for no reason. i lost all motivation to do well or to participate in activites and i blamed it on college. on the cancer. on everything except the fact that i just hated myself and life. i'm not afraid of hurting myself because i look so forward to the future... but i'm here for a few more months and every time i get into one of my moods it's harder to get out of them. the stuff with warren lately isn't helping. i like him so much and i think he feels the same or at least felt. but we just suck at communicating. unless we're physically together we can't manage. i think back on the past two years of us getting to know each other. it blows me away how weird we are. whatever he does or i do i know that at one time we had a really nice relationship and that's enough for me. i'll never forget the night he gave me the one compliment that i've needed to hear my whole life. he said that he respected the fact that i trust slowly. that he thought it was admirable and i shouldn't apologize for it. i bet he doesn't even remember saying that. he never knew how much it meant for him to tell me that. it hurts that i'm never going to get closure between us. at this point it hardly matters. he's at eisner and i'm here. then we leave for college. i don't want a long distance relationship in college. especially one that hardly even feels like a relationship at all. i don't know. i wish i knew what he was thinking once in a while. i never thought i could meet someone less open to talking than me. i lost my chance with him and have to get over it. i don't think anyone uses blurty anymore which is the only reason i'm posting this. i hate private entries at lj. i'm always positive someone can read them. and i can't find my moleskin. these long paragraphs will bore anyone who happens upon them anyway. so blurty it is. i'm done. Post a comment in response: |
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