Create Journals
Update Journals

Journals
Find Users
Random

Read
Search
Create New

Communities
Latest News
How to Use

Support
Privacy
T.O.S.

Legal
Username:
Password:

kAt (break_this) wrote,
@ 2008-03-10 08:16:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Add to Topic Directory  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry

    where
    it ended
    so horribly

    the beautiful thing i had
    that i loved
    more than anything
    i have ever loved before

    staying
    when i knew
    what was happening

    becoming so numb
    losing my feelings
    breaking my own heart
    watching it all
    fall apart
    slowly losing my mind
    only to have it end

    turning to
    self medicating
    with anything
    drugs
    prescription drugs
    illegal drugs
    cutting

    losing myself
    losing my memory
    forgetting my heart ache

    just wanting
    to be with her

    It killed me
    it took me away
    without any mercy
    it ripped me apart
    and left nothing behind

    I became nothing
    I was nothing
    for days
    weeks
    months

    I didnt sleep
    for months
    I couldn't anything
    for months
    I refused to feel
    anything

    cause it hurt me
    so unspeakably much

    feeling
    meant letting my guard down
    being vulnerable
    and showing
    the world
    that I was not okay
    that I needed help

    and of course
    that is just something
    I can not do

    I couldn't
    cry
    I couldn't
    talk about it
    I couldn't
    let it go
    So i kept it
    hid it deep inside
    so no one
    would see

    I never spoke of it
    I didn't deal with it
    and I promised myself
    I only would
    when i was ready

    now....

    the self destruction
    has slowed
    and is being kept
    to a minimal

    keeping my head
    on straight
    has been a challenge

    but I'm not
    who i am
    or who I was
    before

    And I know
    that I cant
    and wont ever
    be again

    I let go
    of my fear
    of love

    And I loved her
    Not fearing
    anything

    the judgements
    the disgust from others
    who didnt understand
    the possiblity
    of heart break
    of being hurt again
    of being left alone
    of losing someone i loved
    i let it go

    I honestly thought
    it was worth it
    she was worth
    not fearing

    And now
    there is nothing more
    i fear

    I'm back
    to being scared
    but this time
    with an added
    extra

    I'm scared to love
    or ever love
    anybody
    to the degree
    i loved her

    and i dont think
    I ever will
    or can
    love anyone
    that way again

    I just know
    I will lose it

    I always lose it
    I'm always hurt
    and i cant take it

    im never
    going back
    to that place
    ever again

    I just feel
    like i dont
    deserve to be loved
    not even by
    the person i love


(Read comments)

Post a comment in response:

From:
 
Username:  Password: 
Subject:
No HTML allowed in subject
 

No Image
 

 Don't auto-format:
Message:
Enter the security code below.



Allowed HTML: <a> <abbr> <acronym> <address> <area> <b> <bdo> <big> <blockquote> <br> <caption> <center> <cite> <code> <col> <colgroup> <dd> <dd> <del> <dfn> <div> <dl> <dt> <dt> <em> <font> <h1> <h2> <h3> <h4> <h5> <h6> <hr> <i> <img> <ins> <kbd> <li> <li> <map> <marquee> <ol> <p> <pre> <q> <s> <samp> <small> <span> <strike> <strong> <sub> <sup> <table> <tbody> <td> <tfoot> <th> <thead> <tr> <tt> <u> <ul> <var> <xmp>
© 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved.