kAt (break_this) wrote, @ 2008-03-10 08:16:00

where
it ended
so horribly

the beautiful thing i had
that i loved
more than anything
i have ever loved before

staying
when i knew
what was happening

becoming so numb
losing my feelings
breaking my own heart
watching it all
fall apart
slowly losing my mind
only to have it end

turning to
self medicating
with anything
drugs
prescription drugs
illegal drugs
cutting

losing myself
losing my memory
forgetting my heart ache

just wanting
to be with her

It killed me
it took me away
without any mercy
it ripped me apart
and left nothing behind

I became nothing
I was nothing
for days
weeks
months

I didnt sleep
for months
I couldn't anything
for months
I refused to feel
anything

cause it hurt me
so unspeakably much

feeling
meant letting my guard down
being vulnerable
and showing
the world
that I was not okay
that I needed help

and of course
that is just something
I can not do

I couldn't
cry
I couldn't
talk about it
I couldn't
let it go
So i kept it
hid it deep inside
so no one
would see

I never spoke of it
I didn't deal with it
and I promised myself
I only would
when i was ready

now....

the self destruction
has slowed
and is being kept
to a minimal

keeping my head
on straight
has been a challenge

but I'm not
who i am
or who I was
before

And I know
that I cant
and wont ever
be again

I let go
of my fear
of love

And I loved her
Not fearing
anything

the judgements
the disgust from others
who didnt understand
the possiblity
of heart break
of being hurt again
of being left alone
of losing someone i loved
i let it go

I honestly thought
it was worth it
she was worth
not fearing

And now
there is nothing more
i fear

I'm back
to being scared
but this time
with an added
extra

I'm scared to love
or ever love
anybody
to the degree
i loved her

and i dont think
I ever will
or can
love anyone
that way again

I just know
I will lose it

I always lose it
I'm always hurt
and i cant take it

im never
going back
to that place
ever again

I just feel
like i dont
deserve to be loved
not even by
the person i love

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