|Current mood:|| thirsty|
|Current music:||"Ghost Man on Third" by Taking back Sunday|
I've been cutting a lot more lately. Every night for the past 3 nights. Every time I cut I also cut on the back of my hand...which is now covered with cuts. The past 2 nights I cut my left breast....maybe the left because it was always neglected by matt, and was beat up by daniel. Who knows. Maybe it was just closer. Tonight I cut my stomach and it makes me wince everytime I move. It reminds me of little slits you cut in meat to insert garlic cloves into. They are little dash-like cuts.
On a brighter note I went shopping today. an 8 is now tight, and I'm starving/not eatting/purging food till they are too big. Its sickening. i have a picture of christina aguilera on my desktop...she is nude, nothing showing, very classy, beautiful...sitting in a chair covered with a net, her arms around her slender legs. I tried to imitate this picture for brian and just got this huge mass of thigh/ass fat taking up the whole damn picture. It was a shock. I'm taking vitamins and diet pills with my juice for breakfast tomorrow. This morning i had scrambled eggs and a pancake.
lunch.....many little peanut butter sandwhiches on 1inch pieces of bread, apple, necturene, and many little crackers.
Dinner-mr. chopsticks...vegies and fried tofu (no rice) and an apple. I feel so unbelievably fat. Now that I think about it that food today wasn't so bad.....but it makes me feel like I'm growing!! People are going to start noticing I'm gaining weight if they havn't already. I loved the reaction "You've lost so much weight...." even if it was meant in bad terms.
I had an orgasmic conversation with Brian tonight. Oh he is a man I could marry...so tender, sweet, caring, gentle, so many words could describe him. We are in love and have never even met. Its euphoric :)