|Current mood:|| melancholy|
|Current music:||Dashboard Confessional - Bend and Not Break|
Sometimes you have to jump in and not be afraid to drown.
That's what i told Condron, and i really do mean it. BTW, i am uber happy for her and her new beau....he better not screw it up. i don't know him...but i will beat him up. Hehe.
Either way, i am struggling as usual. i feel so lost, so empty, so full of absolutely nothing. My physical appearance dictates my quality of life. Stupid superficial America. My hormone imbalance is not getting any better and i think that contributes to my overwhelming and perpetual sense of depression and loathing. i just wish i knew how to change myself. i wish i knew how to make things better. i am tired of the lack of love between myself and the people i used to be friends with: Meems, Joseph, Seth, David, and others to name a few. i just want to resolve things.
Someone asked me today if i was in love. i am in love and i always will be. i am in love with Christ, the only One who will truly love me regardless of my flaws. Victor Hugo said that "the supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves." God's love for me is unending and that is all i need? Right?
Sometimes i wish this was all some sort of bad dreams that someone would wake me up from. i want the world to be a happier place, and me to be a happier person in it. Don't worry, i still hold that suicide is selfish and is also a great sin. i don't have the guts to try to pull it off again anyway. i just wish i knew how to fix things, how to fix myself, how to fix my life, my family, my mother, my faith, my friendships, my health, my everything. It all just seems so broken.
i never wanted to be your everything but to be anything would have been so much,
"i'm tired of being what you want me to be: feeling so faithless, lost under the surface. Don't know what you're expecting of me... Every step that i take is another mistake to you.... Cause everything that you thought I would be has fallen apart right in front of you.... i've become so numb." Linkin Park