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Missa B (bookchick) wrote,
@ 2003-08-13 00:28:00
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    Current mood: depressed

    Long Story Short
    Here's a quick recap of the last few crappy days.

    Last week my husband and I were talking about whether or not he will stay in the military. Keep in mind that his plan changes every week. This week, he says that if I have a good job ($30,000 or more) he'll get out. Woo Hoo!

    Still haven't heard from anyone in the 'Burg about a job. Find a ton of fantastic children's librarian jobs in TN, KY, and NC. Mention to my husband how I might apply for them. He gets pissy, "What, you get to live in an apartment using the BAH while I'm stuck in the barracks?"

    To which I reply, "Well, honey, tell me what you want me to do. I can sit on my ass all day and follow you around, if that's what you would like, but that would not make me happy. I am not thrilled about the prospect of spending another year apart from you. However, since you have told me you will only be in KY for 6 months before being deployed, and you'll be gone for 6 months then get out, there is no point for me to quit a perfectly good job so I can not work and still have student loans coming in that need to be paid off. I am trying to help us set up our future. So what the hell do you want me to do?"

    To which he mutters, "Never mind."

    I am so freaking sick of his waffling. He should be a freaking politician, for all the changing of his mind that boy does. I am a planner. I need to plan things. I cannot plan when he changes his mind weekly. He knows this makes me crazy, yet he still does it.

    I feel so hopeless and stuck right now. My husband is half the world away, going out with friends, seeing an interesting part of the world, and I am living with my parents in a town I dislike with one friend I don't see much. Perhaps I'm throwing myself a pity party, but I don't care. It's hard not to be a little jealous that he's living an exciting experience and I'm not.

    I thought I'd have a job. I feel worthless, my career can contribute SO much to our income. We can pay off my student loans completely in a little over a year, if I try hard. We are OK living on his salary, mine would be icing on the cake to sock in the bank to set us up for when he gets out or to buy a car or whatever. He doesn't seem to understand how important this is to me.

    I can't see getting a $30,000-40,000/year job then quitting to live in bumfuck Kentucky when he will just be leaving again.

    But this is what really gets me. He's OK with me working in the 'Burg, because if I live with my parents, we don't have to pay rent. However, rent is much less than the mental strain I have to endure, so I would rather pay rent. The 'Burg is also a pretty far drive with no direct route to where he will be. The jobs I am applying for in KY and TN are maybe 2-3 hours away. We could definitely see each other on weekends, possibly even live together and each have a hell of a long commute. But at least we'd be in the same state. But he doesn't seem to understand this.

    I just feel so helpless and directionless. I am unable to know what I will be doing a year from now, let alone tomorrow, and I hate it.

    Hmmm, seems like this was just a plain old long story.


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