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The one of which you never speak of (bondagegoddess) wrote,
@ 2005-06-25 06:54:00
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    Current mood: drained
    Current music:anything taking back sunday

    I wanna hear you scream you like me better on my knees
    So... I'm here, my last day of house sitting. Looking at the clothes on the floor, the blankets thrown about. I wonder if I've found him. My soulmate. I shake my head, there's no such thing as soulmates. We talk on the phone every night anywhere from 8-10 hours. Sometimes more. He says he loves me. I laugh and say it's not love. We talk about my past.. I get to thinking and I cry. We spend hours on the phone in silence, everytime we say a word it's him apologizing for asking about it. I tell him I'm fine. "I hurt you. The one thing I never wanted to do." He says, his voice seemingly distressed. I don't know what to say. I open my eyes. I look at this from my hearts point of view. This guy is different. He's not like the others. And you all laugh because I've said this before. They were all different weren't they? But him... I... love... no I can't. My best friend tells me I fall in love too easy. That I fall in love and I get my heart broken. Of course she never tells me it's my fault, but she knows it is. I put my everythging into relationships only to get back a shattered heart. He was the first one to care. The first one to listen what I had to say about my ex boyfriends and tell me everything will be okay, that no matter what he'll love me. Not even my best friend can do that, and I don't blame her. Why bother with my problems when she has her own? I ask him to promise me one thing. He says of course. And I say "Never say you'll love me forever." he doesn't say yes, or okay he says "because forever never lasts." He asks me to promise him one thing and I ask what. He simply says "Never be sad." My heart fights my mind, what my friends would think of me. After another moment of silence he asks how I feel about him. A long silence. He waits for my answer. My heart takes over my mind and I say "I love you." another long silence, longer than before. His voice, now more upbeat (dispite the fact it was 3 er 4 am) simply says "Glad to know we're on the same track." Now that we're off the phone I wonder, what my friends will think. More importantly, what will Ash think. I continue to fight with myself, on whether to tell her or not. She's been through everything with me, and has concluded I love too easy. I wish she didn't think that. I tried to fight it. Honestly I did. Just for you Ash. I didn't want you to think bad about me, that I've fallen too easily and opened my heart up to be broken again. But if there is such thing as soulmates... something inside just tells me he's it. And instead of being happy that I may have found the perfect person, I weep because of a few words you said to me so long ago. You probably won't even remember saying them. But I do, and they play over and over in my head whenever I start to like someone. I don't want to fall too easily. I don't want to disappoint you..

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