|Current mood:||to many emotions to count|
|Current music:||Motorcycle Driveby by 3rd Eye Blind|
slow slow day
the day was so slow. all i thought about the whole time was coming home and sleeping. in fact thats what i think about for a good part of most of my days. when i got home jacob hadn't left yet, he sung a couple of songs and he has a good sound to his voice. i enjoy listening to him sing. he has some serious body hair issues. he hates body hair. he should be a swimmer or something that way he could shave hsi whole body and not seem like a weirdo. as it is, he tried to trim his leg hair which i find extremely odd, but to each his own. jake doesn' t like hair or a lot of things. i don't know how he's managed to find any girls that meet his expectations, his seemingly impossible ideas of perfection. i just picture this girl in my head, five feet tall weighing in at 98 lbs with long pretty hair boobs no body hair what so ever who also enjoys music, is brilliant, sweet and more understanding than jesus. so... yeah... good luck with that one. the perfect woman. ugh how insulting.
heh i've come to realize that i have this annoying habit of listening, i mean really listening when others describe things they find attractive or unattractive and i've come to the conclusion that jacob and andrea and about 97 % of the population must think i am the single most unattractive person they've ever met. im fat, hairy with brown hair and brown eyes. i don't go to college i have no musical ability. i'm crude. i have mental problems... hehe... Its just depressing to think that no one has ever met you, straight off, right off the bat and thought, damn...she's fucking hot. and maybe it sounds pathetic, but i would like that every once in awhile. i would like to be introduced to someone or meet one of alberts co workers or friends and for once not look in their eyes and figure the first thing they are thinking is "what is he doing with her?" or "she must have a really nice personality because other than that... what would albert be doing with her?" "maybe she's rich..." "she must be really good in bed..." Which for the record i am. but the point is, i don't know what the point is... i'm not sexy. i'll never be sexy. the best i can ever hope for being called is "cute" she's so cute. half the time i don't have a name, im just known as "alberts girlfriend".
why can't i be sexy?
or in the words of margaret cho "why cant I be skinny like the friends?!?!? I WANT TO BE SKINNY LIKE THE FRIENDS!!"
hah... she's funny....
ugh...fat fat fat ugly ugly ugly.... even if i lost weight i'd still be ... me
i feel heavy again... in more ways than fat...
im so depressed all of a sudden...well actually ive been depressed all day but no one asked me how i was doing. nobody notices. why should anyone care if im sad? i've got problems, im always sad so what does it matter now? i'd still be sad and depressed even if someone did notice, but the fact is i would have felt like i was cared about, like i mattered, and sometimes that really helps... to know someone cares about you, about how you feel, about your happiness....
all i could think about was sleep and albert. so now im going to go sleep with albert. maybe he can chase away the sadness with some hardcore, push me on my knees and slap me in the ass sex... jacobs not here so i could be as loud as i wanted.....
man i've talked about sex in this diary and in other diaries in the past couple of months then ive ever talked about sex in my life. its on my mind a lot lately. i think ive hit some kind of weird sexual peak... i need albert all the time... i need a female friend, someone i can talk to about sweet sweet lovin... why don't i have any female friends?
why the hell am i still typing when i could be having the aforementioned psuh me on the knees slap me in the ass sex?