i like the word antiquated. i don't know why, i just do.
I don't really know why I just thought of that, i just did.
albert and i were talking last night, before for we fell into sleep. i was remembering when we first start dating and how hard it was and yet easy at the same time. I asked how he felt when I had my psycho mental break down and how he never really talked about himself. I remember him being there for me and i remember thinking he deserved someone "not so craazy". He said it was really hard to stay, especially when I told him to leave. He thought maybe it would be better if he did leave, but that somehow he just couldn't get himself to truly believe that things would be better apart. He said it would have been so much easier to run away and that he wanted to, but he was stubborn and stayed and that it was a good thing to, because we still have each other.
he asked me about when he was all weird and thought he wanted to break up with me somewhere near the end of hte first year we were dating. he asked why it worked out. I remember how painfull it was at the time, but i remember thinking that maybe albert didn't have it all figured out yet, maybe was confused. love is a confusing thing. and shouldn't we be allowed to make mistakes? Its hard when such heavy feelings are involved, but at the same time, the fact that your feelings can be so hurt, that fact that it hurts so much, is kind of like a testimony to how much you really care about the person. I dont' know, i just remember that afterwards i was bitter but then I thought about the fact that nobody is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and that if i wanted to go forward in my relationship i just had to let go. he wanted to break up with me even though nothing was wrong, even though i did everything right, because he didn't know if he could handle it. and thats okay, because sometimes i don't know if i can handle it. if you really love someone shouldn't you work it out. isn't it worth working out? So i had to let go of that pain and that bitterness because it the end you gain nothing from holding on to it. I remember that as a definate turning point in the relationship, the moment when the glass bubble popped and it ceased to be a crush puppy love sort of thing and more real. when i realized i was willing to let go of my pride to try and understand him and his feelings. when i realized i was willing to let go of my pride and do anything to get him to stay with me and after that, when i was able to let go of the bitter taste of swallowing my pride. when i was able to let go of those feelings of self hatred iwas doing something swore i never would do, and that was beg for someone to stay with me. to not leave me. I was going to use my body to get him to stay, i remember kissing him, kissing down his body and crying the whole time. And i remember how painfull it was, yet the relief i felt when he finally stopped me, when he finally realized what i was doing. when my tears hit his bare skin.
we've both hurt each other but we've both given each other so much comfort and joy. when we have a problem we talk to each other, even when its hard to tell each other the truth, we do. we're honest about our feelings. and neither of us wants the other to be sad, or hurt, or unhappy. if two people are working towards the same goal - each other's happiness, it just seems like things should go right, you know?
im so afraid of losing him sometimes i can't breathe. where would i be without him? sometimes i hate that loss of identity, the knowledge that if something happened to him i would lose myself for awhile, or maybe forever.
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