I'm not nice
Blah. I'm fucking home here sitting doing nothing like a fucking loser. Scott invited me to a party tonite and he was supposed to call and give me directions. Fucking why am i sitting here? Why dont guys call? I even bought stuff to get laced. Like, i relly dig this guy, and after last nite, i know he digs me. I went to his place and we walked out on a pier and just sat w our feet in the water and talked for an hour or so. Then we went to the drive in and saw half of the village (we were late) and king arthur. Then we went to my house and drank sum beers and talked. Man we just click. Man, my tolerance for alcohol has gone to nothing. 2 beers, i was pratically gone. He said we should have another, and i said if i had another i'd be table dancing. He said he wouldent mind that. :-P We went back to his place and well...we messed around a little. Man it was nice cuz i didnt know before that if he liked me. I was wondering when hed make an effing move. Well, he did lol. I left around 5am and was scared shitless that my mom would be up waiting for me with a shotgun. But i snuck in sucessfully. Whew. Anyway, scott, didi and i worked togther today and their was weirdness between scott and i. or at least i thought so. Im effing paranoid, as we all know. But he invited to a party to meet his friends, which i took as a good sign. He said he might not call if he got too messed up. Which im assuming is what happened. I just miss him. I get attached to easily, man. And i already gave away too much. Why do i effing do that???? Like, u get caught up in the moment and make stupid decisions. Dont get me wrong, their was no sex, but i still gave away too much. And he knows im sweating him hardcore. So he has all the power. How do i get it back? If u know, let me know. Anyway, work was ok today. Didi and i got to talk. We havent worked together in awhile so it was nice to catch up. She jokingly asked if i'd be her gf and it caught me off guard cuz their is some truth to joking. I told her that if being with girls didn't give me the willys, i'd be with her in a second. She told me she'd treat me good. Not like fucking guys. That dont fucking call. dammit. oh well. I will take back the power! and stop being such a hoe lol. One of didi's friends was kinda sweatin me i think. Hes came in stoned and asked me out. I didn't answer him lol. Hey, he was kinda hot. Like it was weird, i got hit on and a few sexual comments from customers today. Maybe this new deoderant i got. Man if i was hot, thatd be the best thing ever. Ppl could be sweatin me instead of me wanting them. But i want scott. Fuck. He knows it too. He could just fucking string me along like dave did. Hes the first person i gave everything to. Didn't i learn? Fuck. did i also meantion what i bitch i am and how terrible i feel. I'm talking to a few ppl and i just feel like this total asshole. I'm so selfish and gaaaa. Why do i tell ppl just what they wanna hear? I have no effing backbone. Ha maybe i should toke alone. Dude, this is a warning to all: I'm not a nice person. But i am trying to change. I must start with a little fucking honesty.
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