| Current mood: | Same as the subject |
| Current music: | Madonna "Die another day" |
Empty, confused and dead inside!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I still can't get no sleep, so here is another part of what has been on my mind that I can't quit thinking about and that is seriously bothering me in many ways.
I know this is probably going to sound weird and probably be confusing to a lot of you, but I hope you can understand it, if you actually read the whole thing and if you do I applaud you.
Lately, or should I say the past few months, I have been for some reason daydreaming and even really dreaming my own death. In ways such as me causing death to myself, or someone or something causing my death. It really scares me in a way b/c of the things that have been happening to me the past few months, mainly with me driving. I have been coming to so many close calls of getting into accidents and some of them would have been serious, if not deadly. But some how or another I get pulled out of it and it never happens. What I'm trying to get at is that its happening to often, and I know some of you are probably thinking that I'm a bad driver or something, but I'm really not, its just that I guess I'm there at the wrong place and wrong time, I don't know, except that the fact each time it occurs it seems to get closer and closer to actually happening and worst the situation would have been. Its just that before the occurrences occur I get a weird feeling before it happens, but I always get pulled out of it without anything actually happening and everything is than okay. This is just part of it. I guess maybe with me daydreaming my own death is probably b/c I'm fearing that it might actually happen with the way things are going, I don't know. Other factors could be that maybe I want to see how people would react if I ever did die. See how many people actually loves me or cares about me, I mean I know there are a lot of people who do and would be devastated if I ever did die. Maybe one of the reasons I feel this way is because I lacked love, attention, and a family life most of my life, but I'm over that, so I think anyway, I don't know. I'm saying I don't know a lot, that's the problem, I don't fully understand and that is starting to get to me in a way. I want to fully understand these things, but maybe one day I will. I'm a happy person lot of the times, but mostly I'm depressed and confused. I know there are many of you out there who can really relate to this and probably even more than this, and if you are one of them and you are reading this, please let me know how you are dealing with it and some good advice would be taken with gratitude. I just feel alone and empty inside, like I'm already dead, but I don't want to be, I want to be alive alive like I never have been in my life. That's all for now I guess, I really need to try to get some sleep.
Well, if you made it this far than I'm surprise and I really thank you for taken your time to read this even though I probably didn't make since to you, but if I did let me know.
Take care, Brandon
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