|Current mood:|| contemplative|
|Current music:||It ain't easy--LBDAS|
the joys of growing up
I had a good, yet confusing, very much so, christmas. Many things about my past, about my family, about everything, confuse me. My trip to New Jersey put my paranoid self in perspective. I know who I am when I am in NJ. Well, more, Dani reminded me of who I am. I started to forget, because I was so worried about everyone looking at me around here, and doing things right, that I forgot none of that matters. Whatever happens, happens. All I can do, is be me, and fuck everything and everyone else if they have something to say, or do about it. I lived in a tent, fuck, I'll survive. I can survive anything. Oh, speaking of dani, we are obiously talking again. I also realized, that I am not a kid anymore. I mean, I knew that, but I didn't. But, I am still going to be one, because that is me. Fuck what I am supposed to be, it doesn't matter, I am who I am. So what, if I am supposed to act like an adult now. Forget that I am 20. Everyone is talking about getting married, everyone IS paring off, moving on, and moving away. But oh well. I still love who I love, and am who I am. I am not ready to pair off. Although, I think I am not ready to move on, I think I am being forced to. Maybe that is for the best, I would just stay where I was if I wasn't forced to move on. I also realized, Danielle is selfish, but maybe that is just her. She is selfish with everyone she loves. So, maybe she does really love me. And even though I am not going to allow her to have anything else, I want her in my life. And I am sure about that. I don't need her , so I am sure it is not just that I need her. I am barely going to get to talk to her, but when I do, it will still be the same. i don't think it is ever going to go away. Even though shit is different. I have never had to grow up before, none of us have, well, none of us who are my age anyway. Shit changes, and you grow. I have shit wrong with me too, it may not hurt anyone, but Dani still puts up with it. Even though her selfishness hurts me, it is only because I allow it to, if I don't give, after talking to her, I think she will still love me just as much, even though if I give an inch she takes a mile, and she doesn't think about others when she does things, and even though she owes me a lot of money, it wasn't malicious, it wasn't on purpose, it's just her. It seems like it might be doing the same thing to Rob now too. So, maybe, we can just be like beaches for a while, and I can hope, that we will end up, me, her, and everyone else that she loves and I love, on a beautiful island together, doing all of the things that we all love. I mean, she understands my little world, she is in the same little world. Our own little world. She is the only person, who would go to the beach with me in the middle of winter and enjoy it with me. She is the only person, who, even when it is cold, has fun going to the woods with me, and having a campfire, or not having a campfire, and singing songs with me. She is the only person that going for a long ride with her makes me feel like everything is ok in the world no matter what is wrong. She is the only person who I know no matter what I say or do, she will still love me. There is nothing i could say that she would think I am weird, or not understand. And I was thinking, there is plenty of things that I do that probabally piss her off, and although they don't hurt her, they probabally sometimes make her mad. She puts up with all my shit. I shouldn't have let dumb shit get in the way, I shouldn't have let us not talk for a month. She is the only person, who I can truly say is my best friend, my family. And maybe I am naive, but I think she is the only person that it will stay that way. Anyway, I also am rethinking my careear. Maybe I should go back to school for something else. I know I can not work in a corporate setting like this for the rest of my life. Maybe I need to work for a Graphics company, and not a company that has a graphic design department. Maybe I should do some research and figure out where i want to work. Maybe I should do something else all together. I mean, yea, this is what I wanted to do almost my whole life, but it isn't what I thought it would be. Something Dani said ( yes again, something she said, maybe it's because she knows me best, and is my best friend, that things she says make me think) even though this had nothing to do with me at all. She said she really enjoys her job. I was thinking, I enjoyed the Y, but I can't be a lifeguard for the rest of my life, but the other job I really enjoyed (except for the management there) was the Shelter. I still think about the Animals, the other day I wrote Nichole an e-mail to see how mingus is. i love animals too, I always have. Maybe I should do something with that instead. I mean, I always wanted to be an artist, some type of artist, any type, and then when I was like 11, I decided I wanted to be a Graphic Designer. But now I am one, and I don't like it. Maybe I can be an artist, and have another job, and then I can still enjoy being an artist. I don't draw much anymore. I don't really have the motivation to do it anymore, it isn't enjoyable when it is work. Well, I am going to be here at least a year or two anyway, in order to save up money to go back to school, so I have plenty of time to research, and figure that part out. You know what else Dani did when I visited her, she gave me ideas of places to go. And she encouraged me to go myself. I argued, but it is a damn good idea. I am going to the zoo this weekend. I am going to invite Royce, but if he doesn't want to go, I am going by myself. and I looked up a bunch of other cool nature places. I am also going to see how far away the beach is, I think I am going to go there on occasion on the weekends too, and just camp out. I am also going to find out how far away the mountains are, and go there and camp out too. Dani said she is going to come and visit. I don't know when yet. But I can't wait. I am an idiot, I miss her so much. She probabally is wondering what is going on with me, because I was probabally a little strange when I came up to visit, my head wasn't on right. I needed the visit, to put me back in touch with reality, not the visit with danielle, the visit to NJ, to get away from this whole thing, my dad's company, everything. I was also thinking about honesty, and what you let people know about yourself. I decided, who cares if everyone knows everything I am thinking. Fuck all of them. I don't think I am a bad person, I don't think bad things. If people don't like thinks that I think or do, they can shove it. I am going to stop worring about what I say... and I am going to work on being more assertive. If someone yells at me for being assertive, I am going to yell back. Ok, well, I have been writing here for long enough. I'll write more later.