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blue4me (blue4me) wrote,
@ 2003-12-10 13:09:00
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    Current mood: blah
    Current music:311: I'll be here awhile

    random rambelings
    I was fine for so long, and now I'm feeling like this again. At this point I know I am defective, and that it is a chemical thing. Because I am a normal person when I smoke. My life is fine right now. I mean, of course nothing is perfect. But, ya know that's the way it is. I hate that I am like this. Sometimes I get scared that I am a little crazy, I mean it runs in my family. But I dunno.. Damien and I got in a fight the night before last, because I didn't answer the phone when it rang for his mom. But I didn't look and see who it was, and I didn't want to talk to anyone, because I was miserable. I just wanted to go to sleep. But we talked it out. I think he is the first person who really cares about me. I dunno, maybe michelle did, I'm not even sure. But the one thing I know, is I've never been treated like the way damien treats me. He is really a good person to have in my life. He cares how I feel, and he cares if I am ok. He is tough on me sometimes, but it's stuff that helps me. He doesn't want anything from me. He doesn't ask me for anything or to do anyting that he wouldn't give me or do for me. Yea, of course we piss each other off sometimes, and he is kind of anal, but it's ok. I just don't understand why if everyting is going good, I still feel like crying all the time. I wish I could fix it, or make it stop. I am an idiot who wrote Danielle a song. Because I think about things that I shouldn't think about when I am not high. I wish I could just learn to let shit go. I was going to send it to her, but I am rethinking it, she didn't even answer the letter I wrote her, why give her the satisfaction, she doesn't give a shit, so why should I keep letting her know that I do. It shouldnt but it kills me that she can just let go of me that easy. Yea, I know she has rob now, and every other time she came crawling back because she needed me, not because she wanted me around, or cared, but because she needed me, and with rob she doesn't need me anymore, she just has to wants me around, and I guess she doesn't really. I wish it was different though. I was kind of hoping I was wrong, and that she would miss me. But it is the way it is, and I should just stop bitching about it. I just wish, that I could not just stop bitching about it in writing and outloud, but in my head, I wish I could let it go. I guess I will one day, I've almost let the whole thing with mary go. I talked to Drew today. I wish way back when, when I had the chance, I would have grabbed him up. He doens't even realize how special he is. I always seem to realize things too late. Like, Drew, but also, Terelle, he was different by the time I realized how I felt, and I guess kind of Damien. I don't even remember how this started, but I know I started having "strange" thoughts about him, when we stayed at my dad's house here. Then I started thinking why aren't we together, fuck Danielle Conklin, I had always just wanted to be his friend. Why though. I realized, everything he names about what he wants in a girl, it's me. Well, except, I am not as thin as he likes. I am practically wiccan, I love nature, I love pot, he can talk to me, I am short, I have brown hair, among other shit... Then I thought, well, maybe he's just never been attracted to me. But then, he practacially admitted, that before we really started talking, back when I was still friends with Mary, back before he was with danielle conklin, when he saw me at Scotto's pizza with hector, that he wanted me. That's why he gave me his phone number back then. But I was so crazy and oblvious to everything back then, and I had so many guys, and I was such an asshole, he'd probabaly hate me now if I had called him back then. But the other day, he was like, you had a tight little body back when you were with hector at Scotto's. And you know what the funny thing is, I think Damien is really cute, and I had always said that I wanted someone who was my best friend, someone who made me feel special, someone who I was comfortable enough with and trusted enough that I could sleep with them, someone who was smart and loved nature and was open minded. That's him. Why did, even when Dani said shit about the whole damien thing and I yelled at her, I push the idea away, now it's too late, because there is to much at steak, why do I realize this shit now? I always realize that type of shit when its too late. Oh well. Well, I'll write more later if I can

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