You Can Take Your Cake, And Shove It Up Your Ass
he wants to try to convince me that what he did to me was okay and that i should be happy he even bothered with me......basically i went to my friend asking him for help...i just feel so nonexistant lately and so i went to the boy who is always claiming he doesn't feel and that hes never happy....i thought he could maybe explain things to me.....plus i, stupid i know, still feel the need to go to him when i feel weak.......so i went and we ended up getting into this big metaphorical arguement about giving everyone cakes.....see his arguement was that he doesn't have to be happy to make others happy..and then he went on about cakes..about how if he gives everyone a cake that they'll all be happy and all will be good.and i started in on the arguement that if you give everyone a cake, that the cake won't appear so special..and he goes on to say that they should be happy they got a cake.....yeah well the gurl who was told that she was the most amazing angelic gurl that he has ever met got the same cake as everyone else and wasn't happy..and for some reason i think i was totally justified to not be happy with this assembly line gift....it made me feel worthless and replacable....which i found out i was....if i was just a nobody to him, i would of preferred him to not feed me bullshit along with his oh so important cake..
i started running yesterday..at tops, a half a mile...it killed...its so sad..but it killed...i am so used to being in such better shape than this...but lets face it..things change...so i'll run my half a mile every day til it doesn't hurt and then i'll start running a mile until that doesn't hurt......and so on.....you get the gist of it...
i love this journal..sometimes i forget that no one i know looks at this...not a single soul that is in my life knows anything about this...this is mine...for once this is mine...i don't have to censor myself the least.....
why do i still want him....seriously...i don't think i do..and i of course am telling myself that i just want him cuz i need someone to want and that i am lonely...but i just did this..and somehow i made it work....i made things go my way..the way that they were going in my head....i made my little fantasy happen....even though it wasn't perfect, the fact that i made that happen seems so surreal....and the fact that i might be able to make it happen again seems somewhat sinful....i should stay away from that..and him..and my thoughts....my thoughts get me no where but trouble......
~w~
(Read comments)
|
