|Current mood:||someone fucking kill me now...|
the end of everything as i know it has finally arrived. she's crushed my heart beyond repair. it cannot be fixed. least of all not by her. but i'm sure i'll say otherwise in a while cuz i love her so much that i'm willing to let her keep doing what she's doing. this is my form of self-mutilation. why do i need to do damage to my body when i can just have her do it? last night's conversation was the worst thing that ever happened. i haven't stopped crying about it. i know, i know...i'm a weepy ass pussy, but i can't help it. she's broken my heart to the max this time. i thought she'd hurt me as much as she could before, but she's reached a whole new level of pain. it's to the point where i actually don't wanna be here anymore. and by "here" i mean not in the living world. but i'm not one to take my own life becuz of a broken heart...or any other reason. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! i'm so fucked up about this. she never said she'd be fair, but i thought that being in a relationship would kind of require things to be fair. if it were any other person she were talking to, then i'd have no problem. but she's talking to my ex. who she says is similar to me and is alluring to her. wtf?! you don't say that to your girlfriend about her ex! i don't want her to end our relationship, but maybe she should. maybe then this pain would finally cease. maybe she'd be happier with her than with me. i don't think i could hurt more than i do right now.
to love this much...
how could one little girl destroy me?
crush my inner self?
morph who i am?
how could one little girl cause me so much pain?
so much suffering?
so much hate?
how could one little girl become my everything?
wrap me around her finger?
make me happier than ever?
how could one little girl rip apart my heart all the while telling me she loves me?
that i don't have to worry?
that she's not leaving me?
how could one little girl make me shed more tears in one hour than in my whole life?
sob uncontrollably for long periods?
sit there and not notice that hours have passed?
how could one little girl know the damage her words will cause and still say them?
still push me?
smile at my expense?
how could one little girl tell me i'm her only one and then not act like it?
flirt around with something that makes me so insecure?
take it all back cuz she's not in the mood?
HOW COULD ONE LITTLE GIRL DESTROY ME?
after she said what she said last night, i got quiet and she asked me what she could do to fix it all. i wanted to tell her to shove it up her ass. i was like, fuck you, but i don't think she heard me. i wanted to yell. scream. grab her and shake her to make her understand how much pain i was in. still AM in. but i honestly think she could care less. about me and everything about me. today i saw her and we went back to the beach. it was nice. but i wanted to sit alone and cry. i did while waiting for her and it didn't help. it still doesn't now. i really don't think she can fix the damage she's done to me this time. usually, she can, but after last night...it's entirely possible that she's finally pushed me to the point where i won't return.