|Current mood:|| crushed|
|Current music:||surgery-joj/infected-bad religion/lovefool-cardigans|
"'til i created so much motherfucking turbulance!"
so yesterday i was in class when my friend claudia asked me to tell kent that she wasn't going to be in class 'cause she wasn't feeling good. so all was well and then i went to math. it was mad hott! michael, sean, jennifer, jay, i were getting together later that night at around 7 for a little group get together. actually, they wanted to pick my brain for help in the class. so i hung with sean and jennifer and then decided to leave them alone 'cause sean likes jenn and i wanted to give him a chance to maybe ask her out. every time i went to leave though, he'd be like, where ya going? why? i'll come with you. i finally got him to stay with her but apparently nothing happened. so we met up with the rest of everyone else and then anjanette called to say that she wasn't going to be able to make it. jay and michael were practically sobbing! so we studied until about 9-ish and then i came home.
natalie called me and i told her about my day and how i was still unwinding from it. she said that the song she was listening to made her think about me/us. it was the song "hunter." in case you don't know what the song's about, it's about things not being right in a relationship and the girl wanting out and if her guy (ie: me) would know enough to let her go so she could be free again. WTF?!!! that killed me. it's still killing me. we didn't break up, but now i feel like she's only with me because she doesn't want me to do something drastic if we do break up. i won't. i'm not that crazy. how can she say that she loves me and that i own her heart and then just not? she never said she didn't love me anymore, but this has been on her mind for a while. that killed me again when she said that. fuck...i picked up the little cd booklet thing for dido when we got off the phone and a reread the words and then in a fit of pain and rage, i threw it against the wall and then grabbed the light cord thing on my fan and pulled it so hard that i broke it. i was actually trying to turn it off, but i used a bit too much force. i wrote the poem in my last entry afterwards, got something to drink, and watched tv until around 5 am. i went to sleep and then woke up around 8 am and got ready for class. i took my pictures in to get developed (there's some funny shit!) and then sat around waiting for class to start. claudia came over and sat with me and asked me what was wrong and i told her about last night and then i started crying (because i just coudln't supress it anymore) and she held me for what felt like forever. she told me not to worry and that everything will be all right, but that's just it. if she ends it with me, everything won't be all right. and i told her this. and she was like, you really love her, don't you? and i looked at her and was like, more than anything. she said that i was sweet and she wished her boyfriend said things like that to her. i told her that when she found that special someone, she wouldn't have to wish it because it'll happen on it's own before she even had a chance to think about it. then she hugged me and told me she'd call later to check up on me. *sigh* i won't do anything stupidly drastic or dangerous to myself or others, but i don't know what i'm going to do if natalie were to just end things. my chest feels constricted when i think of not having her as my girlfriend. and don't anyone say, "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" because that's fucking bullshit! i would rather have never felt any sort of happiness or love than lose my girlfriend. i may seem like a drama queen right now, but i love her. she's the only one.
i was just thinking about how when people added me as their friend, i was seeing new journal entries that i hadn't seen before. that's because those entries weren't public. only those defined as friends can see your private entries. so who knows what entries i'm not showing the public...
don't worry...there aren't any...yet...