|Current mood:|| stressed|
|Current music:||utter silence...|
i feel so fucked up and lost..............
i wanted to put this in last night, but i decided to wait. like i do with most things. i should've called. instead, i did something she's asked me several times not to do. i guess i just don't see the issue here. i mean, i understand her reasons why, but i don't know why it hasn't fully made contact with my brain yet. i'm in such a state of turmoil. everytime we fight i panic. i panic that she'll leave me. that she'll not forgive me for being the fuck up that i am. but she hasn't in the past, so i feel some comfort.
"i think about your face and how i fall into your eyes."
have you ever stumbled around in the dark while looking for something?
have you ever groped to hold on to the object in your hands that's slipping away?
have you ever tried to read something that seemed simple but was anything but that?
have you ever reached for something you thought was there but wasn't?
have you ever looked at the clouds and tried to make sense of the jumbled balls of fluff?
have you ever stared at your own face and wondered what she sees in you?
i have searched for many things and i have come to find several (5-10):
1)you (my love, my everything)
2)protection (i feel safe when you hold me)
3)uniqueness (you truly are one of a kind)
4)excitement (in both forms)
5)life (i feel alive with you)
6)happiness (you give me such joy and pleasure)
7)beauty (you have this inside and out)
8)completion (i'm so frazzled when we're disconnected from each other)
9)love (the one thing i've searched forever for you gave me)
i wrote this last night as i sat there trying to figure out how to make things better. i can't fix the damage already done, but i can try prevention. it's going to be hard because i don't want to lose a friend, but if i have to choose between my girlfriend and a friend...i choose natalie. i love her and am not willing to lose her for anything.