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struggling through (beggingyounow) wrote,
@ 2003-08-29 11:36:00
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    A leter my mpther wrote to me
    dangerous I know, my boss is out and I have time to indulge myself. I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you............................Actually I think a lot about you. You are my first born, you are my real and only link with your real Dad, ( who even after all these years I miss terribly ) you have had some tough breaks in life. No matter what ever I say and do, I love you and would fight for you till the day I die, and lay down my life for you and your sister if I had to. I always try to put you first.

    I know that the job you are doing is horrible, I wish I could get you somewhere else more satisfying and rewarding, and I am proud of you for sticking with it. I am(and believe or not so is Dad), very proud at the way you have turned your life around. You are a beautiful person Emma, sometimes you just chose to hide it away. We, but mainly me was so scared in the UK that you were into all sorts of things and allowing yourself to be used and abused, and that you had lost self esteem. I recognised in you much of me when I was in my early teens, it made me so scared and angry. I had tried to do everything to protect and save you from that world and I had failed you.

    It really cannot be too much fun for you, and believe it or not I do worry about you, and so does dad.. Your friends, all really nice people in their own right ( mainly ) have gone or are going back to college, Clare has a boyfriend. etc etc....

    I know you dont believe in god, and I am not 100% sure I do either, but I need to believe in something and every night I pray for yours and Clares safety. I ask Dad to watch over you and catch you when you start to fall. I wish someone nice would come into your life that would love and treat you the way you should be treated with love, kindess and respect. They will when you least expect them too. Emma I know you have a huge heart with an enormous amount to give, and I suspect you always give way too much.and too easily.

    I know you probably didn't believe Dad when he said he didn't mean the things he said to you the other week when he was drunk, but he didn't not in the way they came out, not how you interepted them. He is just frustrated that life for the last 7 years has always seemed to be an uphill struggle, not only with you and Clare but also with work and money, and sometimes me - yes even me!!!! I am not always the easiest person to live with either.. Also that so many chances for you have fallen by the wayside. He does want to make life better for you and for Clare. I guess for him though - not a real dad, it seems like one long round of paying out without too much reward. I hope you either understand now or will one day - maybe when you are a mum. As a mum you give everything you have of yourself to your children. Dads not a bad dad, and I'm not a bad mum, both frustrated by circumstance a lot of the time. Considering all of this I think we all have an amazing family life and closeness that many families cannot even imagine.

    If we seem over protective or to be checking up its because I worry, so many teenagers and young adults fall into dreadful traps, and you always hear or read that their parents didn't talk to them, didn't listen, dist ask questions or just didn't know. You deserve so much more than the last 7 years have given you to. Also I had a very bad and abused verbally and physically, childhood and teenage life, I learnt the hard way to know when trouble was brewing and how to protect myself, and I look out for the signs I recognise. I left home at 17 with nowhere to go.

    I know it has been hard on you - more than Clare- I think, she was younger when Dad cam into our lives. You were old enough to see Phillip and Nigel come and go - again not good for you, and this has propably affected your own relationships. Then coming here, going back to England, with hindsight Brandbourne was the last place I should have let you go to, but I wanted it to be easy for you and thought with Laura there it would make you happy, and help you settle more easily. I was so so wrong, about so many things.One day I am sure you will forgive me. I have done you no favours. Worthing again was probably another bad move. You never know at the time, you do what you think is right, if its wrong you make the best of it until you can change things. Now we are here again, and you cannot work properly or go to college. I have screwed up royally, but honestly I do not know what to do for the best. I still think coming here was best as I think I may have lost you forever in the UK.( is that too dramatic?) I do believe you were on a downward spiral that would not have improved quickly, and in that mode its a matter of luck if you survive or not.

    Here you at least stand half a chance. One day you will find your thing, something you really want to do that makes you happy and then Emma you will shine and excell. When you put your mind to something no one can touch you. Your Dad ( Patrick) was very late in finding himself, he was in his 20's before he new he wanted to be in computers and he just put his mind to it and did it, and he was brilliant. You are very very like him, in so many ways, when I look at you sometimes I see him.

    Did you read that horoscope thingy I sent I thought yours and Clares were very true - did you?? actually and mine and Dads.

    When you were at the ACVB you did think the hospitality course might be something you would try, if you want to do it - I will get the money together for you. It would get you back into the college way of life, and you would meet some new people - you could still do the car place for spending money until something else comes along - what do you think? Then when phase 2 of the green card comes through you could do other courses, and maybe work at the Marriot ( with that course under your belt), which I am sure Beth would help arrange, this would give you a great wage and the oportunity to travel - US or world wide. Also I saw the figures re perimeter in the kitchen, is that just one class???
    Anyway think about it all.


    virtually yours Lee

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