|Current mood:|| melancholy|
*takes in a deep breath and exhails*
Alright, so maybe that last entry was a little exaggerated. Maybe, I was just in a really bad mood and I had to lash out at someone...
Maybe I'm just obsessive complusive...(which I am, just minus the "I hate working with you since you can't do it right" attitude)
I'm a horrible, horrible little girl.
Here I am, going onto adult hood, and I am without anyone to support me except for Mugsy and a great few number of others.
And why? Because I have a bad habit of lashing out at people when I'm upset and driving them away.
How many people have I drove off this year? Several...most of my friends.
I say that they wronged me in some way, I blame them, but it is ME who is to blame, isn't it?
I've been a hyprocrite way too long (and I don't like hyprocrites which brings even more irony to it).
I mean, honestly, now I guess I see YOUR side of the matter, but I still do think it was wrong to do that as I was just as wrong to fake my suicide.
I couldn't help my feelings then, my actions. I was a mere little girl...a frightened little girl at that. I didn't know what to do or who to turn for, and I slipped and took the wrong path.
I could've said, "Hey, look, we need to talk" but I didn't. I took the road that said, "Don't talk to him. Let it be. Set up your own death or something, just anything to avoid having to talking about it. I mean, either way, you're gonna hurt him." No, I did not have the voice of reason implanted in my brain then. I made a choice, a bad one, and I know that now and I'm sorry for that.
I know those who I've hurt in the past wouldn't forgive me, at least not over night. I mean Lee himself said that going out with me was the worst thing he ever did and Nikki said that she should avoid all communications with me.
But from what Mugsy told me, it honestly makes me feel so fucking sorry for what I've done and wants me to be able to still speak to those I injured. Hell, I know, even given the chance, things could never be like what they were before.
If only I had one more last chance, I'd take it and this time, no more fucking up. If I could heal one heart, I'd heal Lee's. I would, too, because I know how much hurting he's had in his lifetime and I want to make it up to him.
I mean this. I surely do, it's not an act, or a mere entry created to trick you by my creative mind. No, this is the pure and honest truth.
Am...I going mad, seeing two views at once, torn between two sides, two beliefs? I'm weak and vunerable... I am not head-strong anymore. I have lost my way, far off from the trail, deep into the forest of no return, no forgiving. I am...at the end of my time.
I think I need a break or something. A long break, but I don't know who to turn to if I did or what to do then. I will I hadn't done all those awful things. Then maybe I'd have someone to rock me back and forth and silence me by telling me things will be okay and that I won't have to cry or worry anymore. I don't know who to turn to now. Who can help me? Who can actually pull me out of the quicksand which I have absent-mindedly stepped in?
No one now...I am alone.