|Current mood:|| crappy|
|Current music:||* dave matthews ¤ various songs * blink ¤ feeling this *|
Some of my writing
I don’t think I should be mentioning this but, I did kill him. Not necessarily with a weapon, but with my deceiving ways. I hurt him in a way that is most hurtful. I hope for forgiveness for my crime, and I will try my best to not deceive my pride and joy ever again, but you must admit, I have been doing better. I have had so many chances to go beyond the limited point, and I stayed put for the only reason that matters.
I know I keep on thinking that he too is being unfaithful and passing on something that was given to him, for him and only him. I just know he’s deceiving me the way I have. I sometimes think of it and get so angry, buy why should I? I actually should be calm. I should accept it, for if he only knew, if he only knew the truth. He wouldn’t be in this as long as I have been.
We made an agreement. An agreement that I knew would change the rest of out lives. If not for the better, then for the worst. This agreement was not one that was fair to both of us. It was fair to him, but unfair to me. Still I had to agree, for I did not want him to be suspicious of any practices that I have taken place in that would have been menacing his safety in this relationship. I just kept my cool as if this agreement was the right thing to do.
Although I felt cheated, I couldn’t do much about it. I had already cheated him; therefore, it was his turn to cheat me out in this game of deception. Sometimes I feel like he deceives me more than I ever have, but when I think about it, I have deceived him more than he ever has. I regret the deception that I caused him.
“Why are you here” he asked in confusion that I showed up at his office in my house clothes
“I’m here to tell you something. Dear, I feel that I am cheated with our agreement.” I began. I felt so unsure of how to approach this subject, so I just proceeded with what I already had marinating in the pot. “Well, I have been thinking that I deserve to be deceived the way that I have been.”
He looked at me with a look of perplexity. “Why so you say such things? I thought that we agreed on this and everything was fine.”
“Yes, but I also think that there’s something you should know…” we just stood there, in front of each other, in fear of what would happen next. “I have deceived you in a way that is so unthinkable. If you were to know, you would leave me faster that a bull rider, in danger of being rammed and killed. For it is he who will soon learn that he had already been killed. Killed in the heart of a loved one. Killed in the hands of the one that palmed the trust that was transported between each other. Killed in the very same eyes that you found love marinating therein, waiting for you. So here I leave you with this thought. You were deceived by the one who you once loved and trusted. You were deceived in a way that should not be revealed. Please do not let me leave you in anguish and perplexity, in its place, move along with your journey. Keep me in mind, for you will never abscond from my heart. I will always visit your grave to reflect on our memories of joy and bliss. "
I am writing to you because I feel that I was unclear when I stated the reason why I have been so unruly towards you. I feel that you were listening with your ears, yet with your thoughts in tact and your heart tuned in, you were just listening to me to make sure I understood that you cared. I know you care. That is not my apprehension that has been following me since our quarrel has begun. I feel that the quarrel that has been between us is only for one thing, my personality traits that have been bothering you.
Now my dear, you must understand that we indeed have differences between each other, and if you agree to love me through sickness and health, then you would try to work out a solution for this problem that we have come too often. Although I try to fix this indifference between us, there is nothing more that I can do to make you understand. I preached my heart out only to find that I didn’t receive a response. This hurts me the most you see, simply pouring my heart out to one who I felt deserved it the most, and I feel the pathetic sensation that ricochets off of you. This pathetic sensation then sinks under my skin and throughout my blood stream into my organs, including my heart. Eventually, I begin to feel it within my soul, and it affects my ego and the way I carry myself. By the end of the day, I feel so stressed out that I make it home with a discrepancy towards anyone in my way. Although I try my best to wave all these discrepancies away, I still feel as if I’m not living a life that you would think was sane.
So I ask you once more, to please make an attempt to understand my ways. Please, also understand that I’m working on boosting my current situation of ultra ego damage. I leave you once more, with nothing but my surplus of hopes for our relationship to gain a stability of trust and acceptance.
I just can’t seem to get things right. Although I try, everything fails. Is it me? Is there anything else that I can do? This can’t possibly be the way it goes, there has to be another way. I feel so lost, so out of the game. I can’t help these feelings. I can’t do anything to stop them. Sometimes I think it’s something I did or something I said, but what could I have done that was so cruel for me to deserve such a crucial punishment? Maybe I don’t deserve to be locked in this cell of deception. Maybe I am just selected just the way that I wasn’t selected to be one with a perfect life, perfect family, and perfect lifestyle. What is “perfect”? To me, I will never see this fraud that we call “perfect”. To me, I will never live my life in search of it. I could patiently wait for it, but never will I leave my herd in search of something so untrue. And if, however, it does find me, I agree to not step forth toward it. I will just watch in amazement, left only to wish for it to be in my possession. I envy those who claim it, yet, I have not witnessed it. This false cliché will never take over me. It’s not for me, for I’ve lived a life congested with imperfections. This lie that I live, bearing imperfections, has become my upbringing, my environment. It’s something I can’t be taken away from. It’s something that I have been accustomed to, and I cannot change this hell hole by any means. If I were to leave this niche of mine, for something so false and as forged as “perfect”, then I would be abandoning my past, my lifestyle that I have become so accustomed to for so long.
I don’t think anyone else could imagine living the way that I do. I could not imagine anyone surviving the way that I have been obligated to. If this obligation wasn’t so forceful, and if I were to find a substitute for all this pain that I come across, then I’m certain that I would be a much healthier, happier, and vivacious person. My mental health would be so unmistakably precise. My social health wouldn’t lack any flaws, no defects. Most of all, my physical health would undoubtedly be enhanced without my usual look of unease and stress. Without this stress that I live in, that I am constructed to live in, it would lift the weight off my shoulders, allowing me to stand up tall and confidently. Confidence has become such a big part in the “perfect” world. Who has the time for confidence? Even if everyone had an hour to boost their confidence, there will be no noticeable change. For it is the stress that causes this imperfection, causing us all to think of nothing but the stress, thus, leaving no time for confidence. This heavy weight of stress is such a burden that it’s all we have been adapted to feel, to care about. It plays such a major role in this niche of life, that without it, no one would be the same. Not that anyone is always the same.
It’s quite comical that everyone suddenly changes to “better themselves.” As if changing into someone who you’re not and living a lie will help you lose the stress that has been assigned to you, along with the lying ways that follow these assignments. No matter what we all do in our lives, no matter how much we try to make things “better” nothing changes. We just change our individual selves. We try to change ourselves into healthier people. When we alternate ourselves into another individual, then we carry the responsibly of two persons. The responsibly on one person is enough to carry. Why ask for more? More responsibility equals more stress.
In everyone’s designated cell is where they’ll find their true inner self. For many people, their cell is represented by their soul; for others, they may be constructed within a jail cell. Although they are both physically different, analytically, they are very much alike. While one is in their soul cell, they feel secluded, alone, and feel the need to just reach deep within their soul and cleanse it thoroughly. In the soul cell is where one can think things through and analyze their results from experiments to construct a conclusion leading to a more stable, secured lifestyle. The soul cell can be attained by the relaxation of the mind and body. While living in this world today, it would take time to just lay back and relax. Once again, time must be squeezed into our hectic lives overflowing with stress. However, in this type of cell it’s much easier to attain relaxation in peace, with out stress attacking their every move. Instead, they feel the solitude and seclusion that has been put on them.
Nevertheless do they not feel the stress, for they have been so adapted to it that they feel it without the indication that it’s even there. Some just set the stress aside and think about their actions and how they got them there in the first place. Others just add the stress on to it all. Some just take the stress and apply it to their hopes and anticipation to get the hell out of there and back to the loved ones back home.
So as I conclude this selection, please highlight a few key points. Highlight those reasons and treasons in your life. Look back on your highlighted segments and remember those key points. Don’t cheat yourself or anyone else around you out of the few good instances of life. Keep your cool in the most instigating situations and remember to be yourself. Alternation only causes more stress. Relax your soul and cleanse it regularly. Remind yourself that the jail cell is just another ticket to your soul. A ticket to organize your stressed out files into a cabinet until a later time that requires you to dig them out and to take care of them in ease. Stay cautious of those false advertisers that sell the “perfect” life. Stick to your niche in your environment, and never leave your herd in search of a forged cliché such as “perfect”. Focus on the memories that you have created with loved ones that have been engraved within your heart and soul. For those memories will never fade nor be replaced.
It has been a while since I have bared my thoughts and feelings to the surface. I was afraid of the publicity and humiliation that would contract back to me. When I began to feel the empty space inside of me flood with misery, I knew that I had to take out the garbage and cleanse myself thoroughly. I figured that writing would help me begin my journey of revealing how I felt inside. Inside, almost everything has fallen apart before my eyes. Outside, I show no sign of internal break down. Maybe I should have taken that extra step before it all collapsed.
I've lost a great amount of trust in a loved one. I would never admit it face to face, but I can feel us slipping apart, just a fast as we attached, long ago. We tried to save it, but the tragedy of our civil war has ended with a harsh struggle. We chose our own paths as we reached the fork in the road. Although none of us knew where each of the roads led to, we chose cautiously, and miserably. This heart breaking novel was approached with a startling ending. Although I hide my feelings of regret, he knows how I feel, and still he disregards the fact that anything happened at all. He sends his love, which doesn’t spark much, and refuses to show any hurt within himself. He made the promise, he made the assurance, and yet he goes against his word. All the talk of love, of faith and reliance, all talk. With no actions taken, all talk. All the talk of commitment and affection. No actions were taken. The time will come, soon enough, when the horizon will be met and true actions will eventually take place.
I’ve been drained. Completely drained out of the relationship. Now, it’s my time to rehydrate myself within the affection of someone else, for the affection I was marinating in has suddenly dried up in the sun, its time to pack my cattle and start my journey. Although I have had such a callous past with commitment, this time I won’t be easily fooled. I won’t fall for a fraud, or anyone in favor for sexual encounters. I won’t be fooled by a replica of my “true love” I’m so afraid of the pain. I’m so afraid to feel it all again. Engaging into any type of relationship inclines to pain, so maybe I just need time alone, no one to worry about.
I guess I’ll just continue to think about my actions and their outcomes before I conclude my conspiracy