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~*~Beautiful¤Jeanna~*~ (beautifuljeanna) wrote,
@ 2003-09-24 23:01:00
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    Current mood: pessimistic
    Current music:Dave Matthews

    story of my life with brian
    I don’t think I should be mentioning this but, I did kill him. Not necessarily with a weapon, but with my deceiving ways. I hurt him in a way that is most hurtful. I hope for forgiveness for my crime, and I will try my best to not deceive my pride and joy ever again, but you must admit, I have been doing better. I have had so many chances to go beyond the limited point, and I stayed put for the only reason that matters.
    I know keep on thinking that he too is being unfaithful and passing on something that was given to him, for him and only him. I just know he’s deceiving me the way I have. I sometimes think of it and get so angry, buy why should I? I actually should be calm. I should accept it, for if he only knew, if he only knew the truth. He wouldn’t be in this as long as I have been.
    We made an agreement. An agreement that I knew would change the rest of our lives. If not for the better, then for the worst. This agreement was not one that was fair to both of us. It was fair to him, but unfair to me. Still I had to agree, for I did not want him to be suspicious of any practices that I have taken place in that would have been menacing his safety in this relationship. I just kept my cool as if this agreement was the right thing to do.
    Although I felt cheated, I couldn’t do much about it. I had already cheated him, therefore, it was his turn to cheat me out in this game of deception. Sometimes I feel like he deceives me more than I ever have, but when I think about it, I have deceived him more than he has ever done. I regret the deception that I caused him.
    “Why are you here” he asked in confusion that I showed up at his office in my house clothes
    “I’m here to tell you something. Dear, I feel that I am cheated with our agreement.” I began. I felt so unsure of how to approach this subject, so I just proceeded with what I already had marinating in the pot. “well, I have been thinking that I deserve to be deceived the way that I have been.”
    He looked at me with a look of perplexity. “why so you say such things? I thought that we agreed on this and everything was fine.”
    “Yes, but I also think that there’s something you should know…” we just stood there, in front of each other, in fear of what would happen next. “I have deceived you in a way that is so unthinkable. If you were to know, you would leave me faster that a bull rider, in danger of being rammed and killed. For it is he who will soon learn that he had already been killed. Killed in the heart of a loved one. Killed in the hands of the one that palmed the trust that was transported between each other. Killed in the very same eyes that you found love marinating therein, waiting for you. So here I leave you with this thought. You were deceived by the one who you once loved and trusted. You were deceived in a way that should not be revealed. Please do not let me leave you in anguish and perplexity, in its place, move along with your journey. Keep me in mind, for you will never abscond from my heart. I will always visit your grave to reflect on our memories of joy and bliss. "

    new entry

    I am writing to you because I feel that I was unclear when I stated the reason why I have been so unruly towards you. I feel that you were listening with your ears, yet with your thoughts in tact and your heart tuned in, you were just listening to me to make sure I understood that you cared. I know you care. That is not my apprehension that has been following me since our quarrel has begun. I feel that the quarrel that has been between us is only for one thing, my personality traits that have been bothering you.
    Now my dear, you must understand that we indeed have differences between each other, and if you agree to love me through sickness and health, then you would try to work out a solution for this problem that we have come too often. Although I try to fix this indifference between us, there is nothing more that I can do to make you understand. I preached my heart out only to find that I didn’t receive a response. This hurts me the most you see, simply pouring my heart out to one who I felt deserved it the most, and I feel the pathetic sensation that ricochets off of you. This pathetic sensation then sinks under my skin and throughout my blood stream into my organs, including my heart. Eventually, I begin to feel it within my soul, and it affects my ego and the way I carry myself. By the end of the day, I feel so stressed out that I make it home with a discrepancy towards anyone in my way. Although I try my best to wave all these discrepancies away, I still feel as if I’m not living a life that you would think was sane.
    So I ask you once more, to please make an attempt to understand my ways. Please, also understand that I’m working on boosting my current situation of ultra ego damage. I leave you once more, with nothing but my surplus of hopes for our relationship to gain a stability of trust and acceptance.



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