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Xenogears smut frightens me...
...especially badly written smut featuring -Rico- of all people.
Title: Mutations
Author: Neo Cactaur
Fandom: Xenogears
SCORES:
PLOT: 0/5 (Master, sir, did you just see my MAD PWP SKILLZ?!)
CHARACTERIZATION: 0/5 (Elly is not a super-ho. And Rico isn't a big green Looove machine either.)
TECHNICAL: 3/5 (Grasp of grammar, basic sentence structure, no author's notes in the middle of the story.)
ANATOMY GOING INTO THE REALMS OF SHEER IMPOSSIBILITY: 7/5
I don't know why I torture myself like this. I also don't know why I seem to have become the unofficial bad lemon maven of this site, but whatever man. Today's horror is a Xenogears lemon which features the heroine, Elly, and Squaresoft's own Blanka lookalike, Rico, from Xenogears. Rather than going to great pains about why this horror just should not be (tm) I might as well dive right in and show you.
Elhaym van Houten walked quietly down the halls of the Yggdrasil, nude except for the towel she wore around her torso. She was going to take a shower, but the builders of the Yggdrasil had neglected to put bathrooms in adjoining many of the bedrooms for some reason, including Elly's.
They forgot to put bathrooms in many of the bedrooms to save space. Oh and to get to the lemon faster. Can't foget -that-. ::snerk::
For a shocked moment, Elly stood facing Rico, whose green, naked body glistened wetly from his recent shower. Rico had a towel draped over one shoulder, and was staring at Elly in surprise.
Obviously these people have never had to share a bathroom with anyone before. You don't take a shower and just walk out of the shower -naked- if you have to share the bathroom with someone, and definitely not on a gigantic farking SANDSHIP where just about -anyone- could walk in on you. -_- This has got to be one of the most -obvious- lemon setups that I have -ever- seen.
"S-sorry, Rico," Elly stammered, trying to get the image of the mutant's long dick, which hung past his knees, out of her mind.
"Y-yeah," Rico muttered from the other side of the wall. "Here, I have another towel, take it," Rico said, holding up a towel, out of Elly's view.
Elly reached around the door frame into the bathroom to grab the proffered towel. Elly froze, stunned, as she realized she had just grabbed Rico's enourmous balls. Elly was already somewhat horny from seeing Rico's incredible length, and her pussy became wet as she felt Rico's cock start to harden under her grasp.
My, someone's forward. That, and the fact that Rico's dick hangs past his KNEES is bloody scary, considering that Rico is like over 7 feet tall or so. So if it's that long when he's -not- hard... and it would be even longer when he was... ok did someone switch Rico with a tentacle demon when I wasn't looking? I mean seriously, I know Rico's a demi-human but the sheer physical impossibility of this boggles the -mind-.
Rico was a very large mutant, and his over two-foot long cock slowly began to stiffen as Elly caressed his enourmous balls.
Again, large mutant or -not- someone's cock being OVER two feet long is just highly disturbing. I mean the max I've heard of is a guy being about 14 inches, and that was in the male porn star category. I know this is fantasy, but this would physically tear Elly -open-. And I want to take a moment to ask where is Fei in all of this? You know, Fei, the hero of the game, the man Elly has been in love with for the past ten thousand -years-. Where is he during this trainwreck? Probably doing things with -Krelian- or something with as OOC as this fic is.
So Rico takes Elly into the bedroom ("Come with me to the casbah") and proceeds to sex her up. I'm sorry, I don't care how smutty you think it is, but I should -not- have to envision a girl taking a guy's dick down her throat when said dick happens to be over two feet long. X_X She manages to get it all down her throat, which caused me to pause and think that it would probably be down in her -stomach- if it was really as long as this author was describing it. Oh yeah, Elly's stomach acids eating at his dick would make Rico -so- horny, I'm sure. Ick.
Tentatively, Elly slowly lowered herself onto Rico's immense length. Elly paused as the tip of Rico's cockhead brushed the tip of her tight cunt. Carefully, Elly lowered onto the mutant's green length. Elly gasped in dismay. Rico's enormous cockhead was too big to fit into her pussy. Pressing down harder, Elly cried out in pain as the head of Rico's immense dick penetrated her tight pussy.
OK, anatomy lesson time. If Rico's cock was as big as they say, it would be up in Elly's -uterus- at the very least. More physical impossibilities right there. Second, That just -sounds- painful. I mean, if Elly is in that much pain, and Rico -keeps going- (which he does) then I'm sure that she was in quite a bit of pain. At one point, during this section of the story, Elly slowly impaled herself on Rico and when she decides she can't go down any further (which is understandable, since Rico is over two farking feet -long-) Rico forcibly pulls her down the rest of the way.
OW.
I'm sorry, that part just drew a wince from me on behalf of all womankind.
Soon, Elly was riding Rico's enormous cock in a lustful frenzy, going so fast she was pratically a blur of motion.
OK, so we go from it being "Oh god the PAIN!" to just slip and slide in the space of one sexual encounter. That's another sexual impossibility. That and the fact that Rico would literally be tearing Elly -open- is not something that would probably make the sex great.
The other issue I have with this fic is the characterization. First of all, Rico for all intents and purposes isn't the type who would sex anyone up like this. He's the big, battling champion, who agrees to go along for his own reasons. I refuse to even speculate -why- Hammer called him master, for the sake of my sanity. The point is, I don't think Rico would put Elly's hands on his balls before beginning to sex her up. Second of all, Elly is the heroine of the game. Besides the little canonical attachment to -Fei- which is rather important, she seems the type to deliberate a -lot- over something before making a decision. It took her quite a lot of time to finally decide to leave the military and go with your group, and that was only after Fei showed her that what she was doing was hurting other people. So she doesn't seem the type to jump in the sack randomly with big green party members either. (Don't get me wrong, I don't think she'd randomly jump in the sack with Bart either, just the chances of her doing it with -Rico- are a lot slimmer.
To sum up, PWP is all right if it's in character and anatomically possible. This fic however just boggles the -mind-.
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