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Avalanche (avalanche) wrote,
@ 2003-05-22 21:13:00
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    Far from this offer of forever more
    It is astounding what one can become accustom to
    How things become dull and lackluster
    Despite the horrific nature of the thing
    Despite the depths that must be plunged into unaffraid
    I close my eyes and let the terror pass over me
    Right through me
    Anestitized and unfeeling
    I've been through this one too many times to let it affect me thus

    The tears still stream down my sun touched cheeks
    Recognizing the inhumanity in the situation
    Only the tears betray the stone cold mask that I am presenting
    Everything else appears wistful, if not completely and utterly ok

    I don't want to start over again
    I don't want to struggle to be heard or seen or noticed
    I want to be adored
    To be cherished above all else
    I don't want to ride in the backseat
    I don't want to feel the way I feel
    I just want to love and be loved in return
    I don't want fight through this lifetime alone

    I feel so alone most of the time

    Isolated
    Dead and dying
    To foster this new life inside my belly
    Endlessly flipping
    Endlessly speaking to me
    In the hushed whispers of movement and shared connections
    Embryonic
    Amniotic
    He is me
    And I am he
    I do not exist except to incubate his next breathe
    I do not begrudge him this
    But I must tell someone how hard this is on a body
    I am reaching out with both hands
    Hoping
    Praying
    Begging
    For someone
    Anyone to try and understand

    Aimee you don't count

    The enormity of the truth hit me last night as we lay side by side
    Arguing as we do about every 2 weeks
    About extra-ciricular activities
    The truth is I am not as important as his music is too him
    And given the oppurtunity, he would chose it over me
    He said it
    I heard him
    Heard him loud and clear

    He thinks that he can have it all
    That if he blinks those lush, thick butterfly lashes in my general direction that I will crumble
    The sad thing is that he is so close to the truth
    I want to love him
    I want this to work
    I want to be a family
    But I don't want to do this like I've had to raise my other 2
    Mostly alone

    I am so tired of this

    I will not play second fiddle anymore


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