Melanie (auntiemel) wrote, @ 2005-05-07 03:27:00

FAQ - Read before you myspace message me
When strangers message me on myspace (always male) (usually VERY young or VERY old), I have noticed that several questions tend to come up again and again. Therefore, I have compiled an FAQ of Melanie. If any of the things you were experiencing burning curiosity about are contained below, you will have been saved the trouble of messaging me. And I will have been saved the torture of having to read yet another of your tedious and sometimes disturbing messages.

Also, each of these was taken from ACTUAL messages I have recieved from people I did not know, and many I have recieved numerous variations of. So, if you sent a message and didn't get an answer...well, here ya go!

QUESTION: How big are your tits? I can't tell from your pictures.
ANSWER: There's a reason for that. Also, you're gross.

QUESTION: I notice that I live close to you. Do you want to get together and (insert creative sexual act of your choosing) tonight?
ANSWER: No.

QUESTION: Hey, baby...
ANSWER: No. Anything that starts with "Hey, baby" from a stranger is an automatic NO.

QUESTION: Do you like (insert ethnicity) men?
ANSWER: Yes. That doesn't mean I'll like you, though.

QUESTION: Hey, you're a cancer. Cancers are passionate lovers.
ANSWER: That's not even a question.

QUESTION: Are you clean? STDs?
ANSWER: There will never be an occasion where that information is relevant to you.

QUESTION: Are you sure you don't want to get together tonight?
ANSWER: I'm sure. I'm going to be busy throwing up.

What I want to know is, how do these people find me on myspace? I use myspace for 1) finding new music and 2) hanging out with my buddies. What on my profile is attracting them? Under "Things I Like" I didn't list "Pervs." GGRRRRRR!!!!!!! I love myspace. Seriously. Beyond all reason, even. But this particular aspect is getting old.

So, in conclusion, this post has been a roundabout way of saying that if you are a stranger to me, DO NOT email me about sex. I will find out what your fucking email address is and sign you up for every spam list known to man. It's my new hobby. Don't test me! :-D

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