| Current mood: |  lonely |
| Current music: | Joy Division - "Closer" |
No one will dance with me in the cold waters of isolation.
It's times like these when I feel completely desolate and alone in life. Everyone around me has someone. Natalia and Mike have each other. Mandy has Joe. And Chelsey has...well, Chelsey has anyone and everyone. All she has to do is pick from the crowd of drooling, mindless disciples and she'll never be alone. She'll never pick me.
I guess I better learn to live with it, or at least occupy myself with other things that help me ignore the freezing coldness of my loneliness. But I better learn to live with it, because it will never go away. I crave attention and social interaction (mainly love). But at the same time I want to rid my life of other people. At least that way I can't be abandoned and hurt -- left to drown in the cold waters of isolation. Maybe I'm bipolar, like Ian. I love to have friends, and know that people count on me for comfort and compassion. But at the same time I wish I was alone, and that no one would bother me ever again. It's almost a parallel with what I feel for Chelsey. I love her more than anything, yet at the same time I wish we had never met -- then I would have never missed her and loved her and wished she loved me back all at the same time.
Mandy tries to understand, and she thinks she does. But she really doesn't. I appreciate the fact that she even tries to understand, but she'll never grasp my real person. I want someone in my life that can tear through all my protective layers and finally expose my real core. I want someone that can love me for my true self, and can destroy all of the personalities and facades I constantly put up to hide myself from the harshness of reality. I just want someone to love me. But no one does. And it's my fault.
I want to disappear. I want to curl into a ball in the darkest corner of my room and never move again.
I just want isolation.
But isolation is what kills me the most.
And there is no one left to help me...
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