|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||Slowdive - "Watch Me"|
I hurt myself today... to see if I still feel.
Bah, I'm sick, depressed, tired, and grounded. Not a good combination. I've reached a dilemma in my seemingly low-key life. I don't know what I feel anymore. I'm no longer in touch with my emotions. I mean, I never really was in the first place, but now it seems they've grown legs and run away without me. You see, I don't really know how to feel about Chelsey anymore. I used to think I was in love with her, but I'm not too sure about that. It's hard to explain... Some days I'll brush her off as a casual acquaintance and not look back...then the next day I can't stop thinking about her. It's very confusing, and quite painful. Of course, the pain is amplified ten fold when I take into account that I virtually have NO chance with her, considering she's up in college surrounded by hundreds of elegible bachelors and I'm just the lonely high school kid back home. I don't know what to think. Sometimes I just want to call her and tell her I can't stand being her friend any longer, and that I can't live under this shadow of loneliness. But then other times I think to myself, "how can I survive without Chelsey?" It's all very confusing, and quite frankly, annoying and stupid. It's just that over the past couple of weeks I've felt really, really lonely...like I used to feel...back when I was really messed up. Everytime I go out, every girl I remotely care for has someone else. I'm always alone...and my only consistent friend is the pen I use to write my stories and poetry. And this journal...
But then there's Mandy... I don't know what to think about her anymore, either. She used to really get on my nerves and say and do a lot of stupid things. But ever since Chelsey left, we've become a lot closer. I don't like to kid myself, but she means a lot more to me than I let on. She's always there, and always so eager to help and console me, especially. I like that. But she has a boyfriend, so blech... I wish they would break up. I might actually look for something there. But she likes him a lot...and I wouldn't really have a chance, anyway.
You know what I miss? I miss video games. I was going through my games the other day and I realized how little gaming I've done in the past year or so. I miss RPGs the most. I haven't sat down and become immersed in a good RPG since...Final Fantasy Tactics. I think I'm going to start replaying Xenogears, though. There's no school today and tomorrow, and I'm grounded both days. So I've got a lot of time to kill.
I finally finished watching Macross Plus last night. It was very, very good. Not as good as Evangelion, but still really good. Guld's story was really sad... I still need to see Trigun, Cowboy Bebop, Utena, and a score of other animes.
I've been really disenchanted with metal recently. I've been into the more mellow, ambient noise pop/shoegazing and post-punk stuff. My Bloody Valentine, Slowdive, The Jesus and Mary Chain, Joy Division, The Cure, all those depressing bands that you can dissolve into. I really like Slowdive -- they're so good.
Anyway, I think I'm going to go get some Del Taco and take twenty Advil. Then I'll probably watch Battle Angel and listen to Nine Inch Nails. Heh. Sounds like a good night.