|Current music:||hese the final death of an old sun...|
i dont want to let go of anything else. ever. today was wierd kind of. i came home for lunch with sara, and marlon was on the computer. he never signs on. ive missed talking to him, not that i talk to him a lot ever. but hes so peculiar i dont know how to spell it. but he fascinates me, in a way no one else does. i told him that, i think in a way i am too honest. i shouldnt have told him a lot of what i did. nothing big i was just commending his taste in literature and i said he fascinated me because he likes things that no one else ive ever met. i dont want to let him go. not yet. i like my ideals of marlon. i just want to cling to something that was there a month or two ago. i miss california, but not in a homesick way, i just liked the people there better i think. people here are dull. in a not stuck up way. so i talked to marlon at lunch and he told me today was his last day on the interweb and i told him i was sad because i was already starved enough as it is for interesting convorsation, and with him permanently gone, it would be even worse. then at like four i went over to the music building to talk to the careers in music professor, to see if i could come sit in on a few classes. no one was in the room by the time i found it, but i was not ready to go back to the dorm. for some reason, i just didnt feel like being me today. i dont know why, i like me, but just sometimes, i dont feel like being in my own skin. so i was sitting on a bench, reading twelve, and i saw this guy walk by, he was kind of cute and we kept looking at eachother, but he was talking to a guy he walked outside, finished his convo, then talked on the phone for a minute, then he came back inside to talk to me. i thought he was very interesting... and while he was psychologically analyzing the greek community, and organized religion i was listening and in my head smiling and thinking, wow what good timing to find someone interesting... the day i lose marlon. for some reason i was so immediately intimidated, and could not find the words to say anything back to him, or the things that came into my mind, i decided not to say out loud. i thought first for once, and was unable to participate in convorsation. i wanted to ask if he really believed what he was saying, about looks clothes and popularity being a bad thing, why was he talking to me, cuz i dont know why he would approach me if he didnt think i was pretty. but i didnt know how that would go over with him, so i kept my mouth shut. he said he would see me around the music buliding, but i doubt he will. i think sometimes i might just go hang out there because it has a better feeling than all the other buildings, and i will meet music people there, which is what ive always wanted. im kind of disappointed with college, i thought i would meet people more like me, and i would get to take fun classes, but i had to drop the only class i was excited for. and no one is like me. the ones i htink are dont want anyting to do with me, i still dont understand why, im nice. i guess boring. i never thought i was, but i dont know what else it could be. people tell me im smart and pretty and i hear it enough that they cant all be lying, guys rarely tell me im pretty its usually girls. maybe its because im not blonde. guys seem to like blondes better. i dont care though, im not going blonde i refuse, i like brown, its for me. im it such a sad mood. i dont want to let go of marlon, but i feel like i have no choice. i odnt like it. i feel like im missing out on so much at home. he said to email him, but im not gonna. david will see that i did, and for somereason, i dont know hwy that bothers me. no one gets why but it just does. im not letting go. i had to let go of chris, and david and brian and cassandra, and i dont want to let marlon go. he doesnt have to like me, i just want him to like talking to me, and he seems to kind of because i always win him over he can only talk to one person at a time, and by the end i usually have it be me. so thats good, but he didnt seem to care that he wasnt ever going to talk to me again. earlier i told him to sign on later and he did, and when he was going he said if it worked tomorrow he would get on again. and even if he does sign on theres a good chance i will be gone. i hope not. i dont know why im so upset by this. a person can only handle losing so much at one time, i lost my family the brants, frineds my city my house my state my puppy, my bands my work my music sceen, my whole bubble. i dont like it. and i cant handle losing him too. hes my ideal, of intrigue. matts my ideal of nice guys. i dont want to let him go either, he plays the guitar and hes nice, and from what i hear either asexual or gay. i hope theyre wrong, and i hope we go to the parties so i can see him again. i like ideals. thats what sucks about growing up, i hate letting go of ideals. i really dont want to, but i feel like i have no choice and it sucks. im going to go in the other room and read.