|Current mood:|| lonely|
i dont know where to begin. tonight was bad. but before i explain all that. after sara came back over and we watched friends i guess to keep from talking about bad/sad stuff, cuz i would have without a distraction, but while we were i kept looking at myself in a mirror. everytime i look at myself, not just tonight but everytime, i feel like im looking at a stranger. i dont really know how to explain it, but like you know the first time you meet a person, they look one way, and then once you get to know them well you see them completely differently? well i never get used to how i look. everytime i see myself, i feel like i have never seen me before. i wonder if that makes me crazy, or if other people (who are sane) think that way too. i asked sara and she said no, she said its only happened once, and it was just a picture of her or something. i just feel different than i look, and inbetween the times i look in the mirror, i forget what i look like, which is strange, because i have a good memory when it comes to faces. i think that is why i always like dorky people or just strange/different people the best. thats how i feel. always. the thing that is bad about that, that i am reminded of everytime i look in the mirror, is that i dont look like them, so they immediately write me off. im not sure why though, i know i dont look like the people i usually tend to favor, but at the same time, im nothing extravagant either. nothing intimidating, (unless im in a mean mood, but thats a different story) i dont know, i guess im just bitter, cuz it happens everytime. i dont know when the last time i wrote is, so im not sure if i already talked about this, but the other day, i randomally got excited about college. which is really good. it was when i really decided, that i didnt like david, cuz i kept kinda having a thing for him, then hating, then back to being an idiot, and the other day, i decided for reals that i realllllly didnt like him, i was like, okay now there really isnt anything here for me. cuz i let go of the brian thing a long time ago, like back in april, when i went to dtd that one time, and chris has been progressively, but it was forsure at the prom, then david had been this fleeting thing, and marlon i had my stupid little girl crush on. but then somehow it switched, and i had forgotten about marlon and it was david i couldnt stop thinking about, granted, the majority of the thoughts were bad. but still i know myself well enought to know that if i cant stop thinking about a guy, good or bad, it means i have a thing, otherwise i wouldnt care enough to hate them, apathy is how i take care of those people. anyways so like last saturday or something, i deleted david on friendster, and the other day i took him off my buddy list (i just added him back though, i wanted to see if he got on tonight.) anyways so tonight. i was pretty lucky, i told sara before to help me watch out for david, and to help me avoid him at all costs. and it turns out he wasnt around like he normally is, i didnt even see him till he was on stage, sadly enough the same was true for marlon, or billy, haha i still dont know what to call him. anyways so they played well, i think they both saw me from stage but im not sure, we were pretty close up, and right in front of david (unintentionally, just the closest open seats i could find) and the first part marlon had glasses on for, so im not sure... but towards the end, when david was doing nothing (as usual) he was looking around the crowd, and when he saw me he seemed to stop, and i could xswear he saw me and looked back once or twice (not sure though) and then marlon was talking inbetween songs (after the glasses came off) and he was looking around the crowd as he talked to take up time between somgs, and his eyes stopped on me, and stayed there awhile then he kept looking and they kept stopping on me, like 3 or so times. not sure about that one either, it just seemed like it. i could always tell with chris, but i just felt like i was on the same wavelength as chris, i knew a lot of things without him having to tell me. anyways so when they were done sara and i almost left, but then we stopped cuz we saw her augustair guy and she told me to turn around to look at something the next band i think, and david was right behind me, so i turned back around, i wasnt sure if he saw me, it was dark and it didnt look like he saw or recognized me. but a second later, i thought i heard my name, but i was talking to sara, so i didnt stop. then i felt a tap on my shoulder, and people always tap me on the opposite side, and confuse me, so i look to the opposite side first, and no one so i look to the side i was tapped on and there he was. i forget what he said, something like did it sound okay and i said yeah and turned around, then he said something about it sounding wierd, but i was already turned around, so sara stepped in and was like oh no i really liked it or something. ive never seen sara do that before. haha it was surreal. so we continue standing there, mainly because i wanted to talk to marlon one last time before i went to college, and he was across from us. i was facing him, and saras back was to him facing me and we were talking, and i looked over at him randomally, and he and the guy he was talking to were looking over in my general direction, when i looked up he smiled, so i waved, and started to walk up to him, but he kept talking to the guy, so i waited a minute or so, then i backed up and sara stood standing there, he talked to the guy for a while longer, then without turning to see if i was still there, he got up and walked away. ouch. he reallllly didnt want to talk to me. normally he comes up to me, i dont think ive ever been to a show where he hasnt talked to me, and i thought i looked better tonight than i normally do, and he will talk to anyone, seriosuly. ive seen some of the random people he has just started talking to. so that was a pretty low blow. so sara stayed for awhile and we watched friends... which always makes me feel better, then i got on the computer once she left and brian was on, and i was happy cuz we havent talked in awhile, but hes left me a few messages recently. so we talked and i told him i had a bad night, and hes like do you want me to beat someone up for you and he made me feel better, and i didnt even have to explain anything, cuz he was like tell uncle brian whats wrong, and that kinda freaked me out cuz i liked him for so long, so i told him that i used to like him and calling us anything related is bad cuz of that, so he said okay how bout we go get married in vegas? i told him i wouild but for two weeks after everytime he sees me, he doesnt talk to me, so i don think it would work out. he denied repeatedly... i told him i wasnt looking for an explanation, ive just accepted the fact that he will always remain a mystery to me. he said he wants to hang out before i leave, hes done the 10th so that gives us like 9 days to hang out. i would be excited, but i know we wont, hes done this many many times, and every time ive gotten excited, and every time ive been disappointed when we didnt see eachother. but i have learned, i know better now. before i would always think well maybe this time is different, but im not going to be that stupid girl anymore. i know its not different, thats just how he is... and i know he doesnt really care about seeing me, we talk on the computer when no one better is on, thats all i am to him, and im okay with that, i guess. he entertains me too, and im over him now, im not his type, so liking him is a waste of my time. every guy ive liked in the past year (literally) has ended up being a waste of my time, out of about 6, only one of them really liked me, and he was the only one i ddint like, plus he was kind of old for me anyways. but chris, brian, derek, david and marlon were all incredible let downs. and i just looked at the vkv guestbook and marlon posted, which he never does and at the end the very last thing he says is hi ashley. damn me and my bad luck. i just dont want to be alone anymore.