Are you keen on regurgitation?
Sweet! I'm going to become famous!
Finally I will have my very own fleet of 747's filled to the brim with Snausages!! Then when I die, me and Satan can finally catch up. Boy oh boy, it's been years since Luce and I had a good maiming. Why, I remember the last time as if it were yesterday...
Warning, skip straight to the ending if you're an impatient bastard
Me, Satan, and a couple Reaver Demons were bowling down at the Main St. Lanes. Gabriel was there, and he was totally pissed about something, he's such a tight-ass. He really needs to loosen up. Jesus was gettin along with everyone as usual, gotta love Jesus. OH now I remember what Gabriel was pissed about, Bartlby spiked the punch and put Ecstasy in the maccoroni salad. Everyone was havin a good time, and Gabriel was all whinin to God and shit, and God was playin pinball so he totally ignored him. God's kind of anti-social, he sticks to the game room most of the time. Anyway, Gabriel was in danger of pissin all over our good time, so I decided I'd try to lighten things up for him. With a slap on the back I handed him a beer, and asked him to step outside with me. It kinda hurt slappin him on the back, since he's always decked out in full angelic armor thats all gold and silver and adorned with a super fucking bright chest plate that sings hallelujah, grants the ability to see invisible, +10AC bonus, and makes the best cappachino I've ever had. As for me, I wore my usual black trenchcoat with full all-black cowboy garb.
"Angel's cannot drink of the tainted brew," is what elegantly flopped out of his pompous ass when I handed him the beer.
"Come on Gabriel, lets just have a good fuckin time, even Jesus's gotten into the Wine. I'll tell you what, how about we cruise the alley-ways and see if we can find us a couple of sinners to lay waste to?"
"Well... I suppose..."
"SWEET!" with that, I used my awesome matrix powers to fly us over to a pimp that was beatin on his ho.
"Here we are, a woman-beater who is profiting off of the sexual subjugations of his whore, and the whore, a skanky crack-smoking hussy who defiles herself for adulterous men and horses. Oh yeah, and the pimp has sex with little boys too."
"I DO NOT!"
"Shutup you." Fuck-tard shutup too.
Standing attentive in the back, a fire began to rise within Gabriel's eyes, obviously he hadn't had a good reaping in a while. He drew a massive golden incandescent broad sword, raised it high above his head, and in one fluid blink of an eye, brought it down upon the two. *CLING* Instantly it was met with a curved jagged blade that seemed to drain all light within it's radius. It was the sword of Satan. For this occassion, Beelzebub decided to go with the traditional red scaley skin, massive bull horns, bifurcated tail, and souless-black/blood-red spike covered fullplated armor. Damnit he always looks so cool...
"Stan," I said to Satan, "What's the deal dude? Surely you would enjoy the sport of flaying mortals?"
I was met with the Dark Lord's commanding grainy deep tones, and a sinister stare that seemed to decay the very soul.
"It is not that great Christopher, it is not their time. Even I must follow the rules at times." The look on his face meant business. I began to wonder if perhaps he was playing a trick on us, I mean he is the fucking Father of Lies after all. Plus, you really don't want to fuck around with Luce, he can be great at parties, but when he means business, I'd be the last one to cross his path. Gabriel hadn't moved a muscle the entire time, and the fire that glowed within his eye's earlier now blazed like a bonfire. What the hell is going on here? As I pondered, I noticed Satan's hand began quavering, and his lips were pulling tighter and tighter. Was he about to combat Gabriel? Now that would be a fight worth seeing!
"BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!! GOTCHA!" He bellowed, the sound was enough to make a normal man's ears bleed.
"You should have seen the expression of your faces, foolish peons! I care not the death of these sinners, more souls to feed the eternal hellfires." And with that, he lopped off their heads. I wasn't even paying attention to the mortals, but apparently they had shit themselves in fear, so I decided we probably should get going. The normal human stench is bad enough without having to suffer this crap.
So that was my last maiming... oh yeah I can fastfoward the story a bit and it gets even more interesting.
So we're at the afterhours party, and it's down to just God (now playing DDR), Gabriel (apparently he never sleeps), Satan (Drunk and high off his ass), and me (totally fricken awesome). Satan had suggested we play truth or dare earlier, so, much to the chagrin of Gabriel, we decided 'what the hell.' Satan had already made me and Gabriel kiss each other like 10 times, so it was gettin kinda lame. He thought it was hilarious though... bastard. Anyway, it got back to me again and lo and behold, God walked into the room. Immediately there was silence. We all just sat there and stared.
"Hey dudes, hows it hangin? I just got AAA+++ on DDR 4000 times in a row, broke my own record!"
"God damnit, why does everyone always get all silent when I speak?!"
"Uh, buh, duhhh... hi... GOD." I blurted out.
"Ah yes, Christopher. How are things? Are you liking that enormous "present" that I gifted you with?" wink wink.
"Derrr....uhmm........I LIKE TRAINS!" What can I say, it's very imposing to be in God's presence.
So I decided to pull out my double-bladed black lightsabre and kill everyone in the room. And that's how I became the ruler of both Heaven and Hell.
So this is what happens when I write non-stop for an hour without any nominal constraint or consistent organization... Wow I'm violent.
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