| Current mood: |  apathetic |
| Current music: | Taproot:Mine |
Another open ended conversation open for interpretation
I hate myself today. Maybe I should put myself on medication. It is better than this twisted dance trying to keep some dignity and sanity. I have no place to call my own.....
I thought you told me you loved me......I thought you said you would never betray my trust again......I thought you said I was forever yours......I thought you weren't such a bad liar.......the collect gatherings of statements directed in so many directions to the men I have known in my life.
Maybe I do have male issues. Maybe I don't. here I thought I just hated all people equally.......
I would give anything at this moment to be young, naive, and oblivious again. To not yet know the true meaning of pain, to know only of a world of fake smiles and placid sun.......I wretch at the thought of going back to that. But what would it solve, I was miserable then too......
I wish I could look into my nephews eyes and capture his innocence. Preserve and shelter him from what I know will come later in his life. To not sit and weep for his future.....because beyond material things, the future is not bright for any child......
Why does it hurt to smile? Why can I not smile on the inside? Why do I feel the insistant need to do the one thing I now despise? To shelter you, when you caused me so much pain. To lend my hand when I know you will just pull me down with you. Use me as a stepping stone through your life.....
I used to feel better when I would cry. I would make myself cry to ease my pain, even if it is only a temporary distraction. Now, I seldom cry, if at all. Letting go of the tidal of emotion only leaves me feeling diminished. As the tears left, they made room for more pain to fill the void.......
*these walls never see me just to save me.........save me........*Kittie*
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