| Current mood: |  hopeful |
| Current music: | Relient K - Those Words Are Not Enough |
i am the clay
no matter how good i think stuff is going, there's never a point where i am beyond god's reach for him to smack me upside the head. and as such the case is, i'm learning again. learning where i thought i knew everything. learning that you can be in the same small room for years and still not know every detail as well as you thought. learning that sometimes you have to start a fire before you realize that you can burn yourself. and i've come to the conclusion that i'm selfish, and i'm a bastard. everything i do, no matter how good my intentions are, always seems to be me favoring the situation towards myself. and i hate me for it. but it's not the first time i've found myself at this destination. and i've said countless times before, i'm going to change. i'm going to have something other than ulterior motives in mind, i'm going to live my life to please god and others before i even think about myself. and i fail. i've failed a jillion times. so no, i will not be attending summer school at A&M in july. instead, i will be sitting at home, plying my trade at odd jobs, painting my room, and going to mexico with my youth group. because i need it. i need to wear myself out to the point of brokenness again, i need to pour myself out for others, i need that close fellowship that seems to come when you are most exhausted. i need to sit out on the rooftop and look into the dark sky and see god's stars shining down on me as i sing praises of his glorious name. my life can wait. i'm not the one with the grand design. if i were to enter a design competition against god, his meekest effort would blow my strongest out of the water. so i'm learning again. i'm learning that it's time for me to quit looking for salvation in my mirror.
marc
p.s. - highly recommended reading = Simplicity by Mark Salomon
I lay my life before you, and I'm not getting up
Father, how I adore You
those words are not enough
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