| Current mood: |  disappointed |
| Current music: | "Don't Let Me Get Me", Pink (from the mix CD Wendy gave me) |
"I'm a hazard to myself, don't let me get me, I'm my worst enemy..."
Le happy birthday.
Well, it was my party today anyway.
I'd write about some minor happenings from yesterday and today, but alas, I don't want to right now. I will maybe later. And maybe not.
Anyway... le party...
Sarah showed up early with her PS2 (we were expecting to use one TV for Dance Dance Revolution and the other TV for Karaoke Revolution) and her dance pad. Her pad is better than mine, even though we both have RedOctane Ignition 2.0 pads. I think her pad is a RedOctane Ignition 2.0 anyway, but I could be wrong.
She gave me balloons, fifty cents, and ten camouflage bracelets. ^^ Then we set up the pads (but not the other TV and PS2 because it turns out that TV didn't go with the PS2 cords Sarah had).
Ashley came soon after, and then Wendy.
Wendy gave me a new CD case with a birthday CD she burned for me. ^^
(I hope I remember to write what everyone gave me, because it will help me with writing thank you notes later)
Nick showed up, then Matt and April. Matt gave me a $20 gift certificate to Sam Goody, and April gave me a card and pretty colored paper and calligraphy pens. ^^
Sean arrived, then Clara and her boyfriend, Matt (a.k.a. Matt B., not Matt A.). Clara gave me a wonderful drawing of a woman wearing a red kimono. ^^
Malcolm showed up, and gave me a handmade card, which was really sweet. ^^
S.A.M. came too, then Sam Kennedy came with his DDRMax and Konamix games and his gift for me.
He gave me a box, the "perfect gift", as he called it.
I opened the box... and in it was the snowglobe with my photo from the photobooth at the mall!!
I thought it was really funny and sweet.
S.A.M. got a call on her cellphone from Ed, who said he was with Charlie and a friend, Rachel, but they were on their way. S.A.M. told me she was worried because she thought there was something going on between Ed and Rachel.
Ed showed up with Charlie a couple minutes later. They brought me a soccer ball they found on the way to my house. With them was Rachel, who is Sam's ex-girlfriend. Uh-oh.
She's nice (to me, anyway) but it was unexpected, and it did bring down the party mood quite a bit and made things... darker.
S.A.M. was curled up behind the old chair that used to belong to Pop-pop. She was crying silently.
I felt really bad, so I hugged her and talked to her some.
Bonnie showed up a bit later, and gave me a card she made me, which was sweet.
Oh, and people gave me money (but now I can't remember who, oops).
So we played DDR (Sarah, Sam, Matt B., and Clara, of course, ruled at that) and Karaoke Revolution (which I won in, but didn't rule).
We also played Twister, and they tried to play Spin the Bottle, but that didn't work because only the straight guys wanted to play, and when hardly any girls decided to join in, they gave up on their game.
Bonnie, Wendy, April, Malcolm, and Ashley had to leave early.
I feel bad because April and Bonnie hardly knew anyone and didn't really open up to many people, especially April. :-/
I wanted to talk to her more, especially since I haven't seen her in person for like two years, but unfortunately, I didn't talk much to her, because I was talking to everyone and whatnot.
She got her hair cut and she's even prettier than she was in eight grade.
Anyway, I did the stupidest thing tonight. I kissed Sam. It was a bit awkward, because he looked uncomfortable, so I apologized.
I hate myself.
Later, Ed and Rachel were sitting close to each other and looking like they were going to kiss. Sam was leaning over S.A.M. on the sofa, looking like he was going to seduce her or something.
It kind of blew somewhat, to be frank.
It was nothing like last year's fun party.
Turning fifteen and being fifteen was interesting; it was both the best year and worst year of my life. Overall though, it was definitely my best year, except maybe the end (last two months or so?).
If the end of my being fifteen and this party say anything about how my sixteenth year on this Earth will be, then I don't want to be sixteen.
I'm so old. I'll be sixteen on Sunday. Only two more years left as a kid.
I wish I could turn back time, and relive my fifteenth year, or at least the majority of it (the good parts, which was most of that year).
At the end of the party, right before everyone left, we sucked all the helium out of the balloons and made our voices high pitched. I kept saying "dead babies" in my high voice because it sounded funny, and everyone kept laughing when I said it.
S.A.M. couldn't believe that it had been a year since my party last year, and we talked about how fast time flies.
I miss last year. I miss most of my fifteenth year.
Well, I miss 2003 in general. 2003 was my fifteenth and my best year on this Earth.
I keep switching back and forth from topics and whatnot. Oh well.
I'm kind of disappointed/upset/etc. now, so I wrote a poem.
pushed to the side
I'm sorry
it wouldn't work out
it didn't work out
it never does
sure I messed up a chance
but I really didn't mean to
I apologize
but you rubbed it in my face
like salt in wounds
and metaphorical rubbing alcohol, rubbing your victory, on my cut open spirit
wipe me dry
make me clean
you'll forget me
and I'll just shove it to the back of my mind
it's impossible to take back
but I'll try and make it up to you
won't look you in the eye if you don't want me too
forgive me and forget me
forgive me and forget this
Well, that was my party.
Some of it was fun, but at the same time, it was le suck.
Ah, well. That's all I'm writing for now.
I feel so fucking drained. And it's not just the helium.
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